Friday, November 2, 2007

There are a few observations about my day that I want to share with you, the ever curious and friendly few who would admire my penchant for the small and unnoticeable. So, here goes...

I went to St. Mary's Hospital in Madison today to visit a parishioner who was in the ambulatory surgery section of the hospital. Mind you, this particular section is on the sixth floor. I have never been on the sixth floor. I got off the elevator, turned to my right, immediately noticed the familiar smell of bread rising, and what do I see smack dab in front of me? A bloody Subway...an actual Subway there in the corner of the hall. I could not believe it. I have heard of hospitals having of all things, a frickin' McDonald's not far away from their cardiology department, but this was one of the most oddest and frankly, out of place things I have ever seen! Although, it is a damn good excuse to grab a cookie or four when you are visiting Grandma Snerd!

I actually bought a leather bound journal today... Now, I have been writing poetry, but it has been on the computer, for the sake of ease and editing. When I started writing, I used something similar to what I bought. Although a good friend of mine gave me that one. That is the one that I filled up with my friend Bram at Perkins (see few posts back with attached poem). I like this one. It is quite thick and leaves room for plenty of my strange observations, what I call poems, odd thoughts, quirky theology (I am thinking about writing a book about theology for people who don't like theology or church although, knowing a few people like this, they may not even care). Additionally, I bought a new book by one of my favorite mystics. "The Way Of The Heart" by Henry Nouwen. I have yet to read it, but heard a single quote from it, and knew I needed to read it.

Let me tell you how much I HATE Madison traffic say, oh around 5PM! Now, thank God I do not have to do that everyday! I would go berserk if I had to endure sitting in that mire of machine and human and gas! It sucks! I hate to imagine what traffic is like for other metropoli (yes, that's plural). I left the west side of Madison at 5:01. I arrived in Oregon some 40 minutes later. It normally takes a good fifteen minutes. Now, I know I don't have much ground to bitch on here, but I found myself looking around at other people enduring this slow torture. Everyone looks straight ahead as to ignore each other...we all have sunglasses on and we all have pissed off/looks of exhaustion plastered on our faces. I of course found a pastime that kept me busy...I found the tastiest bag of sunflower seeds in my middle console (dill pickle flavored...SPITZ!), and began to enjoy with an empty Lipton tea jar for the used carcasses. I listened to Queen and enjoyed the slow trudge, until I found my back road shortcut home...but, I will not tell anyone here. Muuwahahaha!

It was last night, that I was scanning my favorite channel - VH-1 Classic. And for some odd reason, they had The Cure unplugged showing from like 1991. I immediately stopped, and watched this incredible band play these melancholy songs on their acoustics, and I get a bit choked up, because this was the band that Bram and I would admire, well, obsess about, and in doing so, Bram tried to do his hair all the time like Robert Smith...he succeeded quite well, and tried to teach me the technique for the perfect ratted out hair. I tried it, but I could never get the full volume like Bram. We would sit in his room and listen to Disintegration over and over and over. We would listen to it, and as we would, we would pull out our guitars (mine and his Dad's) and we would listen by ear to see if we could play the songs. We did alright! To this day, I do have a difficult time listening to The Cure because of the memories associated with them. The day Bram died, I spent that afternoon listening to Disintegration. It somehow lessened the shock, but not much. Anyway, I like The Cure...well, anything after Wish sucks! And you know, Bram would agree with me by just nodding his approval! "Well, it's opening time down on fascination street..." More later...

Thursday, November 1, 2007


I was scanning the TV channels the other night and found Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory on, and I began to watch it. I have loved this movie since I was a kid...to the point that I pretty much know every line in it. But, there was one line that caught my attention. After Violet Beaurogard blows up like a blueberry and she is rolled out of the inventing room to be squeezed, Willy asks this really strange question - "Where is fancy bred? In the heart or in the head?" I noticed that Gene Wilder is this sort of maniacal genius in the movie...I knew this, but all of a sudden I have a more sinister appreciation of the darkness of that movie. Remember the riverboat/acid trip sequence where they show the beheading of a chicken? Anyway, I leave you with this other odd line: "Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker." I think Roald Dahl was definitely high when he penned the initial draft of this entire story...he had to be. And yet, how many of us love this damn movie? I do and I readily admit that I still get choked up when Charlie's Mum sings, "Cheer up Charlie..." More later...

Wednesday, October 31, 2007


I frickin love AMC! They are running all of the Halloween movies today...all day! Halloween was one of the first scary movies I saw when I was a kid and it scared the crap out of me then. My other favs are Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Psycho, and Jaws! Incidentally, when my wife and I were coming home the other day from the northland, I saw the sign to turn off on the road to go to Plainfield Wisconsin. Plainfield was home to one Ed Gein during the 50's, who was basically the inspiration for the villains in both Psycho and the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Ed Gein was a monster of his environment, and yet people around him had no idea, as he was this quiet mild mannered guy who got along with everyone. It's always the quiet ones you gotta beware of. Anyway, because of this Halloween marathon, I am now glued to the TV along with this sedentary computer for the day, writing a breakout session and preparing the powerpoint for it I am giving this weekend (I was asked to lead a session on whatever I wanted to for this evangelism event, and I am talking about preaching...should be interesting; will blog about that next week). Taking the kid out tonight in his Spiderman costume...he looks great with the foam muscles and the mask! Now, if I could just find my blue jumpsuit and an old butcher knife, along with that white mask... More later...
Bram and I would spend hours writing poems at Perkins after I had moved back home having graduated from college. That time in my life was odd. It was not what I expected. I spent the better part of a year mourning the death of a failed engaged relationship, and he walked me through it. He and I smoked many hours away at Perkins in Minot, when Perkins was open 24 hours and was the coolest post-bar time hangout we could find! We would order fries, side of brown gravy and a coke...we of course would piss off the wait staff because we ordered little and stayed forever. We didn't care! We wrote so many damn poems...I filled a book with Bram's presence and I titled it, "Violations Of Orange: The death of romanticism and the day after." Anyway, this is the first poem I have written in a while...actually it's more of a muse, a bewilderment, a prayer. I just want to honor him somehow. More later...

the torn veil is my face…
10.30.07

I cannot fall into the abyss of immeasurable pain,
for it is all too often I find myself there lately.
I wish I could get out and find myself unchained.
Your death into the dirt surrounded,
haunts my every breath and pulses each time.
I am trying to find the compass that you were…
I get drunk for fear of feeling too much I fear,
because I cannot face the reality that you’re gone.
You my friend, who taught me to be comfortable
in my own skin, is forever emblazoned
in my life patterns, my speech, my songs, my breath.
I cannot find any reason for your death
but know that I must believe in the memory
you entrusted to all you loved.
You were my friend…my best friend.
Your entire being and existence changed my direction…
You changed my movement, and I thank you,
because I know that you lived without regret,
without fear, without worry, and without time.
I will meet you again…
Our bodies will be changed, but our minds will continue
to hold the memories of innocence and hope.
I want to laugh with you again then…
I want to see all that you have seen…
I want to know the reason for your leaving…
I want to hug you again….
You changed my life in the here and present,
and to be honest, you have no idea do you?
My present time and future exists by way of
your casual invitation to follow you to the trees and water.
It was there I put my arm around you,
heard you snore through the night,
endured the constant down pouring,
and realized I had a friend for life.
I want to return to those moments…
I want to hug you, feel you lick my head.
You are my brother in life,
in time,
in memory,
in existence,
in love,
in heaven and hell,
and in death.
I miss the fuck out of you…
I was you and you were me…
Now you are gone;
The dirt swirling above your grave
to the four winds;
the wind blowing cold onto
your headstone;
the ground frozen by the dark
winter’s moment of isolation.
You are underground now…
If I dug you up,
you would not say a thing.
You would look sleepy,
as if I was seeing you as I had before,
spending the night at your house
too many damn times but by the
graciousness of the parents who gave you life.
Your eyes would not open,
but I remember their color.
Your mouth would not laugh,
But I remember it’s timbre.
Your face would not smile,
But I remember how wide it could be.
You would not be there…
You would be in the spaces of eternity…
To which I am not allowed to see for now.
We heard of an existence beyond this life once.
I know you see it now.
You have the answers to questions I have.
You are seeing the beauty of life
from your vantage point…why?
I know I miss you…
I know I cry to you…
I know I love you brother…
But why do you see clearly now?
Please watch…
Watch your family, your wife, your kids,
and your friends…
Because every now and then,
we will look up and ask for a moment
of reassurance that you miss us.
See you soon…
Or as soon as I meet God.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007


The first time I heard this song...Redemption was opening up for Dream Theater, and this was the last song Redemption played. I could feel some tears swell up as I heard "...and peace will fall on you." The lyrics to this song are powerful (the last verse is below). And so, I was listening to "Fall On You" last night and I could amost hear Bram speaking through these words.

Redemption
"Fall On You" from the Origins Of Ruin

Light overhead
storm clouds part and the darkness fades
and in the stillness of a
new dawn you're still standing
you know it's a frightening world and it's a confusing
world,
but you know that I have to believe
you will find the goodness in it
with all your heart.
And soul as compass I will pray you find your way
and that happiness will
follow close behind...and peace will fall on you.