I am trying to find some inner peace and strength lately about the recent events of my life. Unexpected changes and chances have come into play within what I thought was the resiliency with which I guard my life. I have always tried to be a man who is serious yet, does not take myself too seriously, enjoys youthful spirits, reads an entire book from cover to cover, speaks my mind about politics, loves extended family, is not afraid of change, has learned from every one of my failed relationships and is deeply thankful for all of them, drinks a bit of The Macallan and of course Morgan Cokes, watches the movie Halloween on Halloween night every year, and then watches the Texas Chainsaw Massacre on said night as well, loves his wife and child, loves Dream Theater about as much, digs great steak, loves to fish with my pap, and really appreciates re-connecting with long ago acquaintances. I try to be the type of person that my friends know I am loyal to, and fun to be with, and yet am always available when they need me. I try to be the type of man my parents and my family will proud of and love no matter what I do or where I go.

Now, I guess I am somewhat complex too. I don't read minds well at all, although I have been accused of wanting people to do that with me. I am not all that good at expressing my feelings calmly in an argument in which I know I am right. I refuse to eat green bean hotdish, or any other hotdishes that have questionable food items in them. I am not all that good at feeling "happy" at a consistent rate. I struggle with weight and always have. I sometimes wonder what my own death will be like. I sometimes sit on my side of the bed with my feet hanging down for long periods of time wishing that the enormous content of thoughts and feelings in my head would go away. I think way too often about the past. I regret certain things I said or did to hurt others...particularly those whom I loved. I am very meticulous when it comes to organizing and filing my CD collection, and get irate when my family cannot understand that. I wish I talked more to what I considered at one time, my best friends. I feel alone too often. I sometimes wish I had some other job that wasn't so public or noticable. I wish I could dance. I want to be able to actually drive a golf ball down the course with drives at least 200 yards or better. I wish I could fly an airplane to see friends. I want to play drums better and faster. I wish I did not have the ability to regret decisions. I miss my youth.

I guess the above is about my head right now. So many thoughts. So many feelings. So much I wish I could figure out. To be honest, I have tried now for the last couple weeks to be stronger or a better person for what crap was thrown at me. I cannot say that it has been the easiest, nor would I expect it to be. But, for the most part after saying good bye to people from church, I feel very alone. Not too many people have said anything to me from the church. I see some out and about around town, but mostly looks or a nod or a Hi. Maybe this is how it's all supposed to be. I don't know. But, I do know that when I was in seminary, I felt the same way. I was around tons of people and yet I felt like the lonliest person in the class room. And it was really because I didn't have anyone I could be myself with. Oh, there were two guys I liked to hang with, but they were older and I got the sense that I was bothering them or that I was a nuisance. Same can be said as a pastor. If it were not for the youth minister and his wife, my wife and I would not have friends to talk to from the church. No one but them chose to be close to us. Everyone else...there is distance. Maybe it goes with the gig of being who I am. But, I have always tried to have a few friends around me who I can be myself with.

This past weekend was good. My wife and I just got back from Coon Rapids MN for my cousin's wedding. It was really good to see family. When my family gets together, it's kind of like the Norwegian mob. I mean even the amount of cousins we are is amazing. It's fun, but crazy. See, with them, I can be myself. They know where I come from, who I was before all this pastor stuff, how dorky and geeky I was when I used to follw them around. See, they are becoming more and more important for me as I see the importance of being a family. They are the ones who offer their shoulder or ear to cry on or listen with. Lots of my cousins had heard what happened and they all said something to show they cared. That means alot. It feels good. So, getting out of Janesville was what I needed to do this weekend and it was a great time. Especially hanging with Nick, Chris, Roger and Jan. Congrats Doug and Suzanne. Hope you both make a good start in Fargo... Viva Les Bison! (Please do not ostracize me for that last comment...for I know one day, my son will piss everyone off in his family and go to a college no one wants him to go to...NDSU! Oh yeah, trust me.)

I am trying to remaim hopeful about what's next, but it's not something I excel at by any means. I need to make some phone calls this week, schedule some visits with the right folks, and do what I can to make the process happen. I do hope for a better place and better experience to cleanse my mouth...because right now I have had a bad taste lingering in it for about a month, and it needs to go NOW. More later...