This past Saturday, was the most difficult day I have ever lived. I have had some pretty rough days, but this one was terrible. I attended the funeral and helped bury the best friend I ever had. Now, you have to understand. I met Bram when I needed someone to be friends with. He immediately showed me that to survive in high school (and life), one should not care about the opinion of the majority, but rather add to the opinion of the minority. Bram was unlike any other person I have ever or most likely, will ever meet. He was one of a kind. Eccentric, carefree, spirited, passionate, crafty, loving, loyal, a bright light shining into people's darkness, he had a urine stream like a firehose, Pirate, inspiration, and mentor. There are too many memories for me to share on this blog, and it could fill an entire book, but for those of us who knew and loved Bram, we would love to fill it.
Last week when I got home to Minot, I spent most of Thursday in a trance...as if why I was there was not really happening. I went to my local favorite CD shop, and did not find much. I then went to Karen and Conrad's. It was not fun to drive up that hill Bram and I walked up and down on our many talks about love and life. I saw everyone...that was good but, well you know. I went home...Phil called, and he came into town. We went to the truckstop and had food, drank coffee, and wished that Bram were with us. Friday was difficult. Spent some time with the family at the funeral home...before the actual vistitation began. I wrote in the guest book for Bram, "Save Me A Seat...Love You Brother - Jason" I was amazed by the amount of beautiful flowers that surrounded Bram's casket. Travis and I were there to do what we could for the family...so we hung out I think until we could not cry anymore. And yet, I wanted so much for Bram to sit up in that casket, look around, smile that "I know something you don't know" grin, and proclaim, "Just kidding."
We all left, had some lunch, went home for a second, changed clothes, Phil met me at my Parent's house, and we went to Marketplace for some libation supply that night (Jameson of course). We went to the Aleshire Theatre at MSU where I saw quite a few friends that I had missed for years. Koppinger, Hinn, Rom, Esberg... We sat around for a while and shared "Bram" stories. I told the one about Bram being so drunk once after we had gone out that night, and having brought the party back to my parent's house, that Bram had to pee so bad that he mistook the birdbath for an actual toilet! The good and used yellow liquid was still there the next morning! We then watched a DVD full of pics of Bram and his favorite music. It was so good. Some of us went to a scotch bar at the International...yes, Minot with a scotch bar? That was my reaction too... Then went to church for a supper. It was good to catch up with some friends... Then went over to Travis' for a night of "burning sticks." We sat there and shared more stories, drank some good scotch, and smoked the night away. I got to bed at like 3:30 in the morning...I was tired. I knew I had to get up soon after I went to bed.
Saturday was the day I was dreading all week. Now, trust me...I needed to be there for my own sense of closure, friends, and most of all Bram's family, and his wife and kids. I picked Karen and Collin at the train station, went home, changed, and went to the church. I went upstairs and there he was in the same chapel Bram and I used to hide in during church trying to figure out our high school dramas that always seemed to find us. I also helped marry he and his bride in that very chapel. And there he laid there. I said my goodbye, and I turned around and walked out, never seeing him again. Friends and family started to show up. It was odd to see that many high school friends show up that I had not seen in years...it was a good sort of comforting oddity that made me wish I was still in high school to experience it all over...with Bram of course. We all gathered downstairs (the family asked the pallbearers and their families to sit with them at the front), and we prayed, and went upstairs. Entered the church and it was packed full of people Bram loved and who loved him. Travis, his wife, Karen and Collin, Me, John, and Phil all sat together. It was surreal sitting there with those guys. I had known these guys for a lifetime and John even longer. And here we sat remembering our friend. The funeral service was one of the most heartfelt and moving, beautiful and horrifying church services I have been to. It was very moving to hear Bram's mother-in-law share her memories, one of Bram's college theater profs simply say one word about Bram and we had to fill in the rest of the sentences, and of course his pappy, Conrad spoke from his heart about his beloved son. It was beautiful...the most moving for me was hearing him say, "I would if I could, in a second, give up my being a professor for Bram, just to have him experience the fulfillment of that very dream." I am sure Bram was proud hearing his Dad speak of him the way he did. It was very moving.
We left the church, went to Rosehill, and I met my fellow bearers at the hearse. We carried Bram to his grave, placed the casket on the rollers, and then formed a half circle around the vault. I could see Bram's family across from me under the protection of the tent, and I wanted so much for them to not be feeling what they were. I was feeling the same way. The preacher said what had to be said, and then there was a moment, where none of us wanted to leave Bram there. I finally broke down hard, cried with my entire gut, letting the tears go, and then felt Travis, Phil, my Dad, and Kari embrace me and each other. We formed a circle of unbreakable grief and loss at that very moment. It was one of the most painful and yet beautiful feelings I had that day. I walked over to his casket, touched the head of it, and said, "Goodbye." I had to leave and so I walked back to my vehicle. I saw one of our mutual friends, Bob, looking skyward as if he were already looking for Bram. I vowed then and there to visit that sight each and every time I come home, to check in with Bram and let him know that he is still with me.
I don't remember much after that. The church luncheon consisted of too much beige. We who had not seen each other since high school hung around the church, along with some family and their friends. It seemed again like no one wanted to leave, and let go of that moment with each other.
As I type all this, I don't know how I made it through Saturday, October 20th...then again, I am not sure how any of us did. I know how much his family loved him and misses him...then there are the rest of us who feel the same, who may have even thought of Bram as a brother. As you can read, I keep playing this tape over and over in my head, and each time it plays, it gets slower and slower. It keeps playing through my head...that scene of Bram's casket on the rollers above the grave...with this beautiful flower arrangement of yellow and white flowers adorning it. I wish I could delete this whole nightmare from my head. But, all this really happened, even though it wasn't supposed to. My friend was supposed to live his dreams out. He was supposed to live the rest of his life, this quirky, unfearing, loving, wonderful man, using his knowledge to inspire creativity in others. I know he did that for me when I met him, through even the last time I talked to him this summer. He inspired so much in so many people. How could someone like that be gone so quick? I wish God would answer me...it still would not bring my friend back.
God I miss my best friend. My life is not going to be the same again. I wish I could go back, and say to him, "I love you" one more time, or talk to him one more time to hear him laugh. But, now all I have are his memories, the pictures, the videos of us on stage, some of his artwork, and of course, a love for Converse All Star high top sneakers...red of course!
Save Me A Seat my friend. I will see you when I get there...
