Saturday, October 25, 2008

Welcome To The World Andrew!


Welcome to the world my son. I have been waiting a long time for your arrival. Your mother worked hard to get you here. I almost cry each time I hold you, and hear your voice. I am going to enjoy this moment, because I want it to last. I will miss it someday. I want to savor your growing up. I love you so very much. You, your brother, and your mother are my life. Thank you for giving me life. More later...

Monday, October 20, 2008


Still miss you after a long and strange year without you. Today is the one year anniversary of the most difficult day I have lived so far: helping to bury you, and say goodbye to you. Bram, you are loved and remembered so much for all the life and fun, thought, and passion you helped release out of others. You were a gift to so many people. Thanks my brother for all that you gave to me. I love you, and remember you always. See you when I get there...

It gives me some peace when I think of these words from Dream Theater's song "The Spirit Carries On" I know that somehow you believed in these words:
If I die tomorrow
I'd be alright
Because I believe
That after we're gone
The spirit carries on

Saturday, October 18, 2008

I wrote this poem last April, but hated the way it ended. So, this morning, I re-wrote the ending so it didn't have a kind of complete feeling to it. I like leaving my poems open ended so as to try and put the reader into the conclusion of it. This poem definitely caught me off guard as I tried to add on to a strange vision I had one day after I visited someone in the hospital. I had this idea of being surrounded in white, and how that could paralyze someone if that's all there was. Then again what if that moment of paralysis was somewhere between the moment of death and the moment leading to somewhere else? Hope you enjoy. More later...


code blue-into-white
04.02.08

feeling nothing left to awaken,
cast away by another hidden day.
sensitivity is at its peak,
crashing the senses of sight
and sound inside my falling awareness.
the violence terrorizes my body.
the old paradigms have worn out,
their systemic movements crawl to me…

this whole thought stalls me for a second…
i stand up and see this bed made.
it is white, billowy, and sterile.
the covers are pulled to a side,
as if it is prepared to be occupied.
i step closer to it, put my hand gently
on the comforter, and feel its folds.
i brush my fingers over bumps,
and leave an impression as I push on it.
i lift my hand, close my eyes,
and hear a voice behind me.
i close my eyes, look down,
angrily take off my shirt,
take down the jeans, slip off the socks,
and crawl into this unclaimed bed.
i pull the covers to my neck,
i begin to feel warm, hot even.
i look around to get my bearings.
the space I am in is surgical white.
it is blinding, but I can look at it.
there are no corners to this space.
it is as if white surrounds me,
above, below, beside,
on and underneath me.
i can only make out the bed I am on.
it feels so good.
i sink into the mattress.
my body feels free to sink into it.
i keep falling, until I slip
through the mattress, and see the hole
i have left in it.
i fall slowly,
i scream but I can hear no noise come
out of my mouth.
i try to listen…there is just silence.
i fall away from this space into a replay
of my entire life in what seems a second.
it plays until a moment of black.
that final moment fades into white,
and becomes smaller the more I fall.
i feel my body accelerate now…
i pick up speed rapidly.
i push my arms out like wings.
i push my head back.
i spread my legs apart.
i notice, i begin to not feel my legs,
my arms are there, but I cannot feel them.
i cannot feel the air enter my lungs anymore.
the white around me begins to blur.
my sight disappears, my eyes close,
my mouth shuts, my hands open.
twisting and turning-
headfirst travelling.
i fall
i fall into the space between life and death.
i fall between consciousness and sensation.
i fall from chaos into slow movement.
i am between here and there,
and i can’t stop this.
where is the end?
falling
falling
falling

“where is the sunlight?”
“i want to feel it on my face again.”
“where is the sun…”
shadows
shadow light
merging warmth
warm
i am warm again.
i look up to see a black hole on a white background.
i then glance around, and see the blinding white.
i cannot gain focus.
the white around me suspends me from moving.
i can’t feel anything…
my lungs don’t breathe…
my eyes don’t blink…
my hands don’t move…
i am stopped.
i am here.

Friday, October 17, 2008


This is the bass player for the band Redemption. When I saw this band open up for Dream Theater in August 07, I was absolutely blown away by them. I was especially focused on this guy, Sean Andrews. His dexterity and mastery of the bass guitar is astounding, especially as he is playing a six string. Watch him play as he demonstrates the bassline from Redemption's song "Bleed Me Dry."

Thursday, October 16, 2008

The Marketing Of Jesus = Vomiting

Lately, I have been reading and thinking about what is wrong with the institutional church. That wonderful montage of buildings, politics, piety, bills, tithes, and not mention the strange group that promote such things known as people. I love what I read once on a T-Shirt, "Lord, Save Me From Some Of Your Followers." Which goes to say that most of the institutional church's issues and the mass hemorrhaging that is taking place as people exit the church, is frankly caused by, drum roll please...people. I doubt very seriously, when we take an honest look around at the modern church, that what we see remotely resembles what Jesus had in mind for his followers. Let me focus on just one aspect of why I think people see the church as a hypocritical place, who therefore want nothing to do with it: the marketing that is done in Jesus name. How many books, blogs, authors, preachers, bookstores, plastic action figures, games, CDs, movies, etc., do we need to buy so that we are inspired to be more like Jesus. I think that Jesus once told a rich man, "Go sell all you have, and once you do that, then come and follow me." Perhaps he had to sell off his Michael W Smith worship CD collection, the Buddy Christ figure, the Armor of God costume set, the hand carved Rosary made of walnut, the Holy Mary glow in the dark socks, the books that explain how to change the world in Jesus name, the fish tie, the bumper sticker that reads, "My Boss Is A Jewish Carpenter," the boxing nun, Jesus soap on a rope, his last supper lunchbox, and the entire series of "Popes Throughout History" baseball card collection in mint condition! All of the marketing that takes places so that we can become better, efficient, worldly aware, more loving, forgiving, and self-less Christians ought to make anyone feel queasy NOW! When Jesus overthrew the money changers tables in the outer court of the Temple, he was making a profound statement. Who controls access to God? Those who make money in God's name by forcing the faithful to buy the proper "items" so that their offerings will be acceptable to God? Or, is access to God to be without obstacles that people want to shove in front of us so that they can make a buck off our own journey?

I don't want to sound as if I am squeaky clean here, and pretend that I have not fallen prey to this. I have by my own choice prostituted these companies that sell music and books mostly. I have sunk hundreds of dollars into them. For what? To prove that I am better than everyone else because I have read this or listened to this? To show everyone that I have my nose stuck high up in the cleaner skies of God avoiding the real people and real issues of what it means to live life by chance and choice? Take for example my friend. He generally does not listen to music other than what is labeled as Christian. He reads books that are labeled Christian. He wears many T-Shirts that sport a Christian message or theme. Now, granted when I was new to the faith, and zealous for it, I bought into the T-Shirt thing. Living Epistles made these T's that had some controversial statements (at the time) that was supposed to make people think. Now, when I see most of those kinds of T's I am sickened. I went to Lifest this past summer (a Christian music festival) where I saw the new breed of faith T's. Every T-Shirt they were hawking, I swear was designed by the GOP Right Wing, conservative Christian base. Every one of them had messages that had that "turn or burn" theme. I was especially turned off by the anti-gay agenda some shirts blatantly uplifted.

If what Jesus said was true, then I am to love my neighbor right? But, when I see shirts that promote an intolerant posturing of ones faith against the "sin" of the world, I doubt very seriously those who wear those shirts have a clue what it's like to have as friends some of the best people in the world, who also happen to be gay/lesbian. I doubt very seriously if those squeaky clean intolerites, could even stomach sitting by one much less share their lives in friendship with a gay man or a lesbian woman. How dare they wear shirts in Jesus name promoting intolerance. How dare they downplay Jesus command to love all people. Course part of that statement that Jesus says is, "Love the Lord with your heart, soul, and mind. AND love your neighbor as you love yourself." I guess if people do not love others, that means they are quite intolerant of themselves too. Perhaps self-loathing is a way for them to hide behind their intolerance of others. Clothing that is labeled as Christian is about as intelligent as fast food that is labeled as nutritious! They both give gas and the runs when consumed! Trust me!

I guess when it all comes down to it, people like the palatable and consumable when it comes to their faith. People like books, media, movies, shirts, music, and art to represent the niceness, the innocence, and the likability of a faith that God wants nothing to do with at all. God wants people's hearts. Not their preference of books because it talks about Him as a judgmental, hypocritical God who suffers from self-esteem issues. The overwhelming picture to this is just as I wrote at the beginning. Man-made religion as an institution contorts, misrepresents, and misguides people. Labeling anything Christian just so it sells to that audience is a contortion of preference, judgment, and common sense. I am convinced when people stop getting into bed with "bad theology" and bad taste as it relates to the design of their faith, that's when the church will become the church. That's when people will wake up and begin to care about the things that God cares about. You might say that I am being harsh here. But, take a look around. How many churches do you see that promote an agenda far from anything Jesus ever desired? How many people around you are dumbed down by this need to get their faith just right, and so they do everything they can to stay away from the world and all of its evils? Now, yes we need to be careful in the world, but not to the point that we become cloistered from it. We are the bringers and apprentices of the gospel. We share it with our lives. We do that openly, but not stupidly! Wearing the shirt, buying the music or books, hanging out with the right people do not prove anything but how intolerant you are of anything having to do with the world, including the beautiful types, colors, shades, and personas of people that inhabit it.

I am tired of people who paint me with the same brush stroke of marketing. Yes, I buy some books, buy the music, and media, but I also have a brain. I think about the messages those items tell me, I weigh it, I pick and choose what I can live with, and the rest of it, I throw out. I am not a mindless drone who must consume and believe that which is labeled Christian. Just because it is labeled as such does not make it any more consumable as if it were labeled satanic, self-help, children's, or non-fiction. Hey people, wake up! Don't just frequent the Family Christian Bookstore because you think it's the best store for you and your family. That's not always where "real" people hang out and learn about the world. Get out from the protection of the store, get into the world, and learn from people not like yourself. Perhaps then, you will really be like Jesus. More later...

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

What do you think would happen if I spent 440k dollars of church money to go to a spa because my work depended on it? Now, that would be over half our years budget yes, but I would be going to a spa for work. How I define "work" is up to me, so I can write it all off, but, I have a feeling the church may have something to say about me misappropriating offerings to get what I want even though this church cannot afford it. Hmmm, the same can be said for AIG execs who thought it was a good idea to take a trip to a spa less than a week after the government bails companies like AIG out! Who thought this was remotely a good idea? What would happen if I did this...my ass would be gone. I say, AIG needs to let a few people go....because their nose as a company is bloodied and messy. Save what dignity you have as a company and pay the money back to the government. It is not Monopoly money to play with. It is my money you are paying with to sip Mai-Tai's and get pedicures with. You are the money gluttons who have peaked the fiscal fear meter, and are piledriving this country into the world wrestling mat of despair. Shame on you AIG. Shame on you! AIG - you have no conscience! Thanks alot. Sure am glad I will never use your company ever! Oh, and everyone else I know...they won't either! More later...

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

I am still waiting for just once in a presidential debate for Grampy McSane, to look into the camera, and say, "I'm kind of a big deal." I would give him some cool points for that. But, then I would realize that he along with Dingbat would open the country up to the Apocalypse. Am I right? More later...

Monday, October 6, 2008

Which Kingdom Do I Invite Into My Life?

What is the kingdom of the world but a place I reside in? This kingdom I live in, does not make a shred of sense! I feed into its logic, and add to its overall design by the choices I make. I use of its resources, offered to me at regretful prices of the dollar, emotional stakes, and horrifying choices. I am threatened by the abuse of its power for the gain of more control and dominance. I find myself tight-fisted by the imbalance of those who have and those who have nothing. The leadership is ineffective to actually be compassionate, and empathetic to the torn and struggling. It senses no one else’s need but their own. The world has become a playground for the bullies who want to control the merry-go-round of wealth and privilege. Yet, the kingdom of the world is millions of people whose very day to day existence is based on the struggle to survive on what they have and do not have. How am I contributing to this struggle for them? Am I making it worse? If I live in this kingdom, and choose to blind myself by the opportunities of self-sufficiency and self-gratification, what damage is truly done to my conscience, to my soul, to my eyes? If I see those who on the periphery are dying and lost and do nothing, I am a thief, a murderer, and a pawn – contracted by the kingdom to consume as a bystander who walks away from obligation and morality. If I am part of the problem as I am being led to contribute to it, I can also be part of the solution to redefine what it means to live in a kingdom: a kingdom ruled by the abuse of power, the lure of money, and the attraction of conflict. Because as far as I am concerned, this kingdom plays on the bartering of fear, hoping that each of us will haggle for a piece of it to keep for ourselves so that we worship it. We bow down to its power over us. We are killed by fear. Who would do this? Who would perpetuate fear among its subjects?

Perhaps I am a part of a larger movement of those who refuse to be misled by fear in the kingdom of the world. What is the opposite of fear, but hope? Hope is what people need. Hope can deliver a person from death to life. That is the movement that needs to reclaim a kingdom of peace. Because living in a kingdom that delivers death, lies, struggle, control, and fear is not the kingdom that provides life. It is not able to prove any worth for anyone. It feeds on its own shame and it gets bigger when someone believes that is a better way to exist. Hope deflates fear. Hope fills people with potential to make a difference for the next person. Hope is what the kingdom of the world cannot deliver based on its own terms. Hope is what the people of the world are capable of if they choose it. People can invite the kingdom of the world to remain the dominant kingdom, or they can choose to invite another kingdom that gives life. If suffering remains, what good are we choosing for the world? Take this kingdom of the world, and do something with it. Hope will flip the kingdom inside out, and open it up to all people who want life, who need life, who see life around them. The potential to live a new life is alive around us when we give to others. When one person sees into the soul of another, they give them a hand…that is hope. If I am to fight the kingdom of the world, there can be no complacency. I must choose to invite a different way of life to exist around me. I must change the scope of how large I see, just how focused I can become, and how generous I am capable of becoming. I must become free from the bondage of the lies, the deceit, and the control of the kingdom that wants to blind me with distractions. I must release those chains from my hands and feet, and walk somewhere else. I walk into a vision where a different kingdom rises. It gives hope, value, purpose, dignity, and freedom. That is the kingdom of heaven. The invitation is sent.

I want to walk to its edge to answer what I can do. I want it to give me sight to see. To see the way of compassion and understanding to the world abused by the kingdom I left. To see thousands alongside me. They too are bruised and battered by the kingdom of the world. I want to look ahead with everyone and be surrounded by the reality of love, forgiveness, and empathy. I want to live in a kingdom that shows me the best possible life I could have. I want to live in a kingdom where it all makes sense.