I kept having this particular dream over and over, in which I am dying. In that moment of my death, I fall. I see white all around me as I continue to fall. I feel nothing. I fly through the uneasy and yet familiar tension between life and death. And ultimately where I end up is a place of safety where my falling comes to an end. This is how I could put that dream into words as a poem. Hope you like it as morbid or as hopeful as you may read it. More later...

code blue-into-white
04.02.08

feeling nothing left to awaken,
cast away by another hidden day.
sensitivity is at its peak,
crashing the senses of sight
and sound inside my falling awareness.
the violence terrorizes my body.
the old paradigms have worn out,
their systemic movements crawl to me…
this whole thought stalls me for a second…
i stand up and see this bed made.
it is white, billowy, and sterile.
the covers are pulled to a side,
as if it is prepared to be occupied.
i step closer to it, put my hand gently
on the comforter, and feel its folds.
i brush my fingers over bumps,
and leave an impression as I push on it.
i lift my hand, close my eyes,
and hear a voice behind me.
i close my eyes, look down,
angrily take off my shirt,
take down the jeans, slip off the socks,
and crawl into this unclaimed bed.
i pull the covers to my neck,
i begin to feel warm, hot even.
i look around to get my bearings.
the space I am in is surgical white.
it is blinding, but I can look at it.
there are no corners to this space.
it is as if white surrounds me,
above, below, beside,
on and underneath me.
i can only make out the bed I am on.
it feels so good.
i sink into the mattress.
my body feels free to sink into it.
i keep falling, until I slip
through the mattress, and see the hole
i have left in it.
i fall slowly,
i scream but I can hear no noise come
out of my mouth.
i try to listen…there is just silence.
i fall away from this space into a replay
of my entire life in what seems a second.
it plays until a moment of black.
that final moment fades into white,
and becomes smaller the more I fall.
i feel my body accelerate now…
i pick up speed rapidly.
i push my arms out like wings.
i push my head back.
i spread my legs apart.
i notice, i begin to not feel my legs,
my arms are there, but I cannot feel them.
i cannot feel the air enter my lungs anymore.
the white around me begins to blur.
my sight disappears, my eyes close,
my mouth shuts, my hands open.
i fall,
i fall,
i fall.
i fall into the space between life and death.
i fall between consciousness and sensation.
i fall from chaos into slow movement.
i am between here and there,
and i can’t stop this.
where is the end?
twisting and turning-
headfirst traveling.
falling
“where is the sunlight?”
“i want to feel it on my face again.”
“where is the sun…”
shadows
shadow light
merging warmth
warm
i am warm again.
i look up to see a black hole on a white background.
i then glance around, and see the blinding white.
i cannot gain focus.
the white around me suspends me from moving.
i can’t feel anything…
my lungs don’t breathe…
my eyes don’t blink…
my hands don’t move…
i am stopped.
i am here.

Do Balloons Attract Buyers?

The other day, I was coming back from a prolonged blitz-run to Janesville. The weather was awful as is the usual case for Wisconsin this time of year. But, I decided to trust my steed's ability to plow through such nastiness and truck my way home. Actually, truth be told, the roads were fine once I got on them. I arrived in Evansville, a little sleepy town along my route home. As you leave EV, there are two car dealerships along the highway, one on the left and one on the right, Chevy and Ford split by asphalt!

I noticed how these new vehicles were covered in snow, and then thought how sad it was to see such an inventory sitting there. Of course, who in their right mind would buy these ridiculous little sports cars Chevy is trying to pimp out for the average middle-aged unhappy guy who swills martinis and smokes only when drinking? Yet, as I was passing the Ford dealership something caught my eye that I had never noticed before. The entire inventory of vehicles sitting in the Ford lot, were not only snow covered, but attached to the wipers were about three feet of ribbon anchoring colorful balloons. I slowed down and took notice, and then laughed my ass off. The absurdity of seeing these beautifully made F-150s and Mustangs, and other assorted models covered in about four inches of snow and the attached to some balloons just made for a strange picture. I began to question the reasoning for luring potential customers with such a simplistic device as colorized rubber filled with helium anchored to brand spankin new trucks. I wondered if there was actually a potential buyer might be taken in because perhaps he may want to buy a truck, but rode the fence with such a decision. Perhaps it was not until he noticed as I did, his favorite colored balloon attached to the truck he wanted. Are balloons the most qualified attractant for such potential buyers. I mean, really?

What about incentives, a ridiculously low percentage APR, hell even throw in a TV, and then maybe I would look. But balloons? Really? As if people are that prone to being attracted to grace your place of business because, ooooh you have balloons sitting out front. It gives the impression that this car dealership is throwing a party and we are the suckers who are invited. Quite honestly, the American auto industry is in trouble and has been for quite some time. I think it's a strange, stupid, and perhaps a slap in the face for the hard working people who actually made those vehicles. It's as if seeing such a cartoon-ish and dumbed-down sight as I did, is going to make me feel confident enough to actually purchase what I am supposedly being attracted to! My own conscience says, "That's a marketing strategy that works for four year olds." Course, they cannot even afford to buy a headlight! Hey dealership, show me what kind of deal I can get instead of making me feel stupid enough to turn into your lot and look around without giving much thought as to why...do balloons make one forget all reason and sensibility? Apparently, by the massive inventory this dealership holds, the balloons have failed. Thank GOD! More later...