I love this song by Porcupine Tree! It's called "Lazarus." The beauty in this song for me, is that this song is sad and happy at the same time. I definitely learned very early with Bram how to enjoy music that had both of these qualities, and to be inspired by the tension of both happy and sad. Definitely a beautiful song. I hope you enjoy it. More later...

Allow me to tell you my newfound realization! I AM TIRED OF SNOW! I am glad that I have a snow blower to clear out my driveway and of course the damn mess that the plow leaves at the bottom of the driveway. Actually, that's the worst part. It piles up and is like twice the thickness of the snow that originally fell on the driveway and adjacent sidewalk. Pisses me off! Now, the entrance at the bottom of my driveway is at least half of the regular width of my driveway because of the said plow issues. So, when you drive into the driveway, you actually have to maneuver into the garage carefully, as well as backing out. That's interesting too. Anyone backing up may suffer the wrath of the piled snow at the bottom of my driveway, as one might happen to back up into said pile of snow guarding my house as if they are pillars of deservable death and retribution. Oh yeah, you know you have too much snow at the corners of your driveway piled up, that you can barely see the mailbox from under all of it! I wish I was eight again when I would make use of piles such as those and tunnel into them to make snow forts, or igloos depending on my mood. I made some very cool forts that way, but I had no one as my enemy to defend it against. Well, my newborn sister was around but she had a hard time just holding her head up, much less making snow balls to pelt her brother with so as to defeat him and claim victory for the fort!

You know, I wish I was like the guy across the street from us who works for a construction company somewhere in Madison. He just brings home a Bobcat from work, and clears out his drive that way. And he is done in 3.8 seconds flat! Plus it's damn cool to clear out the driveway with something that resembles a miniature tank...sort of and without the big gun on top. It's also days like today that I am happy that I have my trusty steed to blow through town in, as the village of Oregon definitely is not all that quick on the draw clearing out any of the side streets. I needed the four wheel drive to actually push through the driveway to get into church and then later, into my own driveway (as I type this, the village plows still have not come down our street to make a path...and we have a cop who lives down the street...you'd think he might have some pull). Oh well, this is of course, what I get living in suburbia as I do. I like it here, even when it resembles Antarctica or the North Dakota of my youth when snow would be at least eight feet high...and that was in June! More later...

I am not really enjoying church too much lately. Namely because I feel like I see things right now, for what they are. I may have been too eager to see things with blinders on. I think after Bram's death, I just realize that I do not have time to play these fucking games in church about who gets to decide what color the ornaments should be on the sanctuary Christmas tree! I am feeling some pressure from the top down to do something that I frankly feel, I am not all that qualified to do (begin a small group ministry in a traditional Lutheran church setting!). So that's making me nuts, and it makes me feel as if those I answer to have not been listening to me, as I have said that very thing before. They knew that before they called me, I was not at all experienced to do this one thing. Now, I am being told that we need to have some sort of plan in place. Well, I know that the team I working on is more than capable of actually articulating that plan, but they are not ready to do that. I told this to the top down, and they are convinced it is a leadership issue. No shit! If I have never done this thing I am being asked to do, it will take some time to actually learn how I am to be a leader in actually articulating this plan. Maybe it's just me, but I feel too much pressure to put out something, that could equal that of a half-baked turd!

Frankly, this church does not deserve that. I want to be able to do my best, and offer the best kinds of things I can. To present something half-cocked is not going to do any good as it will not foster longevity. Small group ministry in a traditional Lutheran church may look good on paper, but when it comes to actually putting the ideas down, and following through on them, no one is qualified or experienced at all to even think about the best beginning point. I am not the type of person to do something without taking the time to learn about it. For fuck sake, I have been trying to work with this team since last April, and I am being told that the top down needs to be informed of our progress...bite me! Leave me and my team alone to do what we need to do without your damn opinions. Actually, I am thinking lately, that I may be mismatched to actually do this. But, I just keep trying to plug along. To be honest, since Bram's death, I have not been all that plugged into this group of mine, and it shows. I was ready to go somewhere before Bram's death with this group, but now I see things more clearly. At least, that we are not where we though we were, where I thought we were.

I love the idea of having a small group ministry in church, but it is not all enjoyable when you are the guy to have to design it, group it, plan it, report it, and then execute it. I am so not a detail guy. I hate details. I can see big pictures, but then to focus them is not all that good for me. Details are hard for me to prioritize and then do them that way. I get so lost in the details, worrying about getting them all done, instead of worrying about one at a time. Sometimes I wish I had OCD! DAMMIT! Anyway, I am done with my woe-is-me confession. But, you know I need to vent here. God knows that the top down does not take my concerns all that well. I am feeling that there are glimpses here of my former church. And that is not a good thing people. God, maybe it's me. Maybe I am the problem. I have these daydreams about getting out of the whole ministry thing altogether. The pressure that comes with this job sometimes, is not worth it. Life is too short for me to be stressed out about small group ministry. Too many other concerns are important first, but the top down believes that small group ministry will somehow be the savior of us all. That this ministry will somehow fix these concerns. Bullshit! I am not convinced it will.

I guess the other day, I really began to think about what I would do if I threw in the towel and left ministry permanently. I look out from the pulpit and I see tired, unresponsive faces, who are in church for something...I am not sure what. When people are asked to step up and take care of their church, they do not. I hate that. I am discouraged by seeing too many faces in church to just be there, and do nothing else. I figure at times, why try if people are already checked out? Defeatist? Me? Maybe. But, I have seen this before. Hours and care go into things to make ministry better in a church, and people by their disinterest, show that they are not interested in changing their life in the church. I am glad Jesus loves them. Because sometimes I do not have the strength to do it. Thank God Jesus is Jesus, and I am not. I like it that way! More later...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY COLLIN!

My wife and I are the proud parents of a three year old as of today. My boy turned the big "03" at about 1:25 this afternoon. I cannot believe I have a three year old. I have a friend who recently told me that he is the father of a teenager, who happens to go to the same junior high where this friend of mine and I met when we were that very age. I think without saying it to each other, we both felt old; like time had just been nothing but a blur. The next thing I know, my son will be 18, graduating high school, and going off to college or whatever else he wants to do. I have just a difficult time understanding where the last three years went. I am not sure how I am going to adjust to my son getting older, going off to school, making friends, trying to fit in, trying school activities, maybe having his first crush or having his heart broken.

These are all things I am not looking forward to, mainly because they will prove to me that my son is aging, getting older, and somehow I am too. I worry about him even now at day care. Maybe that's because I want to protect him from all the damn shallow evils of what other kids are capable of. I know I cannot do that, but I want to. I have this thing I do at night after my wife and son have gone to bed before me. I usually walk into his room and look at his face, which is illuminated by the Thomas the Tank Engine nightlight. I lean down and kiss his head, and tell him I love him. I stand and look at him one last time, as if that is going to be the last time I ever see his face. I remember that moment, because that's the image I want in my head as I fall asleep. I am so happy to be the father of a three year old, magnificent boy who is growing so fast...all I want to do is slow my life down long enough to watch him grow up before I miss it. Happy Birthday Collin! Love ya, buddy! More later...

This is my latest poem. I guess I was thinking about how we really are separated from one another and as we live in our own tight bubble of coroporate productivity or self-aggrandizing delusions of how we are well off and superior to others who have little, I started to think about the separation of people. Yet, in that separation, people become addicted to their own little corner of mediocrity. Their lives are a series of things they have done before...nothing comes as a challenge to believe in a greater driving force to live. For me, this does us no good if we are to leave this place more connected and nurtured than we found it. It's strange...my mind works very fast when I write, so the ideas come in a second...funny how this idea has stayed with me for a while.

eyes apart
11.30.07

all things around me are vacantly alone…
the blank stares from people beside me
leave me staring into what they look at.
i question the distance they must feel inside.
silence between everyone is contagious…
their splintering souls need love or time.
but it’s the mystery of the body within
that drives misery from the hiding places.
emerging with closed hands and cold skin,
humanity crawls to view the world in motion.
the noise of words drown out silence…
peace stands in-between the weak and ignored.
once again, the emptiness is vacant
of any instant connection of brand new trust.
validation of the soul is in the background…
i see thousands with hands held out for touch,
and yet they are pushed further back
into waiting for the pace of the world to notice.
they are their own blessing to each other
as no one else gets off the spinning
and teetering of the global ignorance of denial.
to save and feed, to love and to protect…
it seems the menu has a hidden expense
busy souls are already indebted to.
the space around their hearts into their
consciences might as well be a million miles.
an attitude of superiority suppresses
any shred of reply in compassion or decency.
humanity is in exile…away from suffering,
away from indifference, away from necessity.
realization of indecision lies dead and buried
by the realists who want their own needs first.
breaking the bread and drinking the wine
become rehearsed movements meaning nothing...
and so they quietly stare into the blank spaces
ahead of them, going into the moments of time.
they stare into the constant rotation of day and night,
of love and sex, of faith and doubt,
of jobs and pets, of school and luxury,
of sickness and gifts, of age and death.
unable to breathe freely from their hope,
they choke out the sunlight’s warmth from
the coldness that had been their life.
i see the blank faces stare at what they see,
and i begin to feel what separates them from me.
it is the distance of dread in a world of need.
the distance of high walls and far away emotion.
to be able to do nothing in a world that asks,
is taking its needs and executing their dreams of innocence.
and so i am left with this distance in my sight…i ask:
“when is it going to be alright for us all to stare at each other?”