I am not really enjoying church too much lately. Namely because I feel like I see things right now, for what they are. I may have been too eager to see things with blinders on. I think after Bram's death, I just realize that I do not have time to play these fucking games in church about who gets to decide what color the ornaments should be on the sanctuary Christmas tree! I am feeling some pressure from the top down to do something that I frankly feel, I am not all that qualified to do (begin a small group ministry in a traditional Lutheran church setting!). So that's making me nuts, and it makes me feel as if those I answer to have not been listening to me, as I have said that very thing before. They knew that before they called me, I was not at all experienced to do this one thing. Now, I am being told that we need to have some sort of plan in place. Well, I know that the team I working on is more than capable of actually articulating that plan, but they are not ready to do that. I told this to the top down, and they are convinced it is a leadership issue. No shit! If I have never done this thing I am being asked to do, it will take some time to actually learn how I am to be a leader in actually articulating this plan. Maybe it's just me, but I feel too much pressure to put out something, that could equal that of a half-baked turd!

Frankly, this church does not deserve that. I want to be able to do my best, and offer the best kinds of things I can. To present something half-cocked is not going to do any good as it will not foster longevity. Small group ministry in a traditional Lutheran church may look good on paper, but when it comes to actually putting the ideas down, and following through on them, no one is qualified or experienced at all to even think about the best beginning point. I am not the type of person to do something without taking the time to learn about it. For fuck sake, I have been trying to work with this team since last April, and I am being told that the top down needs to be informed of our progress...bite me! Leave me and my team alone to do what we need to do without your damn opinions. Actually, I am thinking lately, that I may be mismatched to actually do this. But, I just keep trying to plug along. To be honest, since Bram's death, I have not been all that plugged into this group of mine, and it shows. I was ready to go somewhere before Bram's death with this group, but now I see things more clearly. At least, that we are not where we though we were, where I thought we were.

I love the idea of having a small group ministry in church, but it is not all enjoyable when you are the guy to have to design it, group it, plan it, report it, and then execute it. I am so not a detail guy. I hate details. I can see big pictures, but then to focus them is not all that good for me. Details are hard for me to prioritize and then do them that way. I get so lost in the details, worrying about getting them all done, instead of worrying about one at a time. Sometimes I wish I had OCD! DAMMIT! Anyway, I am done with my woe-is-me confession. But, you know I need to vent here. God knows that the top down does not take my concerns all that well. I am feeling that there are glimpses here of my former church. And that is not a good thing people. God, maybe it's me. Maybe I am the problem. I have these daydreams about getting out of the whole ministry thing altogether. The pressure that comes with this job sometimes, is not worth it. Life is too short for me to be stressed out about small group ministry. Too many other concerns are important first, but the top down believes that small group ministry will somehow be the savior of us all. That this ministry will somehow fix these concerns. Bullshit! I am not convinced it will.

I guess the other day, I really began to think about what I would do if I threw in the towel and left ministry permanently. I look out from the pulpit and I see tired, unresponsive faces, who are in church for something...I am not sure what. When people are asked to step up and take care of their church, they do not. I hate that. I am discouraged by seeing too many faces in church to just be there, and do nothing else. I figure at times, why try if people are already checked out? Defeatist? Me? Maybe. But, I have seen this before. Hours and care go into things to make ministry better in a church, and people by their disinterest, show that they are not interested in changing their life in the church. I am glad Jesus loves them. Because sometimes I do not have the strength to do it. Thank God Jesus is Jesus, and I am not. I like it that way! More later...