LET THE MARATHON BEGIN!

6 TOTAL CHURCH SERVICES STARTING TONIGHT!

1 tonight
2 tomorrow morning
3 tomorrow night

This is called combat preaching! WHEW! But, you know, I would not trade any of the stress, the feelings, the emotions, and the genuine peace of mind I get when people are grateful for what we pastors do on the two holidays (Christmas and Easter) during the year when all families get to be together. Definitely a calling and well worth it. My wife and I are headed to the frozen tundra soon, and will do the marathon of seeing our families in two day blurs. But, t'will be good, plus I plan on catching up on some sleep hopefully. So my friends, have a Merry Christmas with your families, and I hope and pray that the birth of Jesus celebrated once again, remind you that this baby's kingdom does not end, but goes on forever as the kingdoms of the world and the kings of the world fade away. May we the body of Christ, bring into focus and touch, the Kingdom of God for all people. Peace be with you. More later...

I had to laugh at myself today! I took the morning off, so I could go to the church for tonight's meeting and put in a full afternoon. So there I was, sitting there having some lunch, flipping through the channels on TV, when all of a sudden, I stop. My attention is immediately drawn to the screen. Why? Because all of a sudden I realize that my son's favorite show has in some small way become my favorite show too. I watched a full half-hour of Thomas the Tank Engine without my son being there. Yes, I watched it all by myself, and I am not ashamed to admit it. I actually enjoyed it. Scary huh? The 15 year old Jason would mock the 32 year old Jason had he known that one day, I would be so uncool as to sit and watch a children's show over MTV. But the 32 year old would defiantly utter, "Yeah, but MTV sucks!" Ahh, to be a parent whose child knows the term, "headbang!" God, I love it! More later...

By far, THE biggest influence on me in terms of how I think about church and ministry well, besides Jesus himself, is a man named ROB BELL! Rob is the founding pastor and teaching pastor at Mars Hill Bible Church in Grand Rapids, Michigan. The first time I had ever heard of Rob was from a wonderful older lady from the previous church I was at. She handed me a CD and the message on it was titled, "In The Dust Of The Rabbi." I listened to it, and was absolutely blown away by what I heard. His message was so not what I was used to. I mean adding small things like the Jewish roots of what we read in the New Testament was not something I was used to, as I usually found Jewish history very far removed from myself and the New Testament. One of the highlights during this time, was that I got to hear Rob speak in person at the National Youth Workers Convention in Dallas, TX in 2004. I sat through six hours of just him speaking about what works and what doesn't when we are these kinds of people who are meant to speak the truth of Jesus into people's lives, specifically how that truth speaks to our own life.

Rob also has this series of DVDs called Noomas which are short films in which he teaches about issues of faith, life, death, doubt, hate, etc. Wonderful and precise. I have used these in a class setting and were great discussion starters. I highly recommend checking these out. My favorites are "Bullhorn," and "Sunday." Great stuff!

So, over the years, I have been very much influenced by the way Rob thinks about and visions the church in ways that frankly, were not taught to me or even conceived in seminary, much less my experience in churches. I have this ritual that I have followed since the fall of 2004. I go to the Mars Hill website, and I download the sermon (most of them are by Rob, some aren't as they might have guest teachers) from that previous Sunday...I do all this Monday. Put it on the Ipod and listen to it as my devotional driving to and from work. Amazing stuff. His book is also incredible, and I highly recommend it to anyone who really feels disconnected and is struggling to make sense of their faith, life, and especially church. It's called "Velvet Elvis: Repainting the Christian Faith." Go out and buy a copy right now for yourself. You will not be disappointed at all! So, if you want, check out Mars Hill's website, and from there you can listen to Rob's teachings. He has definitively changed my life, my perspective, my faith, and my understanding of this moving, changing, evolving beautiful place we call the church.

One of my upcoming blogs in January will be sort of a re-cap of the conference I am going to at none other than Mars Hill. Should be a very cool experience for me. Definitely looking forward to seeing Mars Hill, listen to some great speakers, and get some new ideas and new energy. So, take this all for what it's worth as it all sounds like I am a Rob Bell groupie, but I know there are some of you who are really struggling right now to make sense of your own spiritual journeys, and so I know, I have been there, and am still somewhat there with you. For me, Rob Bell has been exactly the voice of reality, vision, love, intelligence, and experience that I want to listen to so that I become a better follower of Jesus and a better servant for Him. Maybe his voice is a voice that can inspire you as well.

www.mhbcmi.org
www.nooma.com

More later...

The more that I keep hearing from those of you about some of the things that I have been expressing about the "church," the more I get this sense that I am not alone in my thoughts. What's interesting about who you are and what you say, is that all of you have at one point or another have painted this idea that you desperately want some place of worship that would be drenched in the Holy Spirit, who is inviting to you and your family, a place who is committed to living the best kind of life that Jesus invites us into, and that this church would somehow be relevant to where you are at not only generationally, but realistically. Trust me, I seek the same type of community too.

My experience has been that the church does a terrible job at speaking language that speaks to you and I. The language it speaks, is often not genuine, or real. It tries to relate to where you and I are at often compromising the real reason why it exists as a church at all. It desperately packages itself in a nice, neat, shiny package so that you and I will be attracted to it. The church, wants you and I to seek IT out, and not the other way around, which, if you think about it, goes against everything that Jesus was about. My experience has also been that the church has these huge, gaping gaps between the generations, and not enough healthy relationships to even try and bridge those gaps. One time, at an annual meeting I was at, I actually heard the comment, "Well, if these changes to the church are that important, let the younger generation pay for it." Now, changes like the roof, boiler, windows, flooring, etc., are all important, but the changes that so many older folks were pissed at, were things they felt was unnecessary or too strange or lavish like, say a projection unit with screens for the front of the church (using technology in church, how dare you?), gutting out the gym and making it usable and inviting to youth, tearing out some walls and making a more welcoming and inviting space with which to actually share some fellowship with others in. But see, when you are in a church in which the dominant god people serve is money, of course the most cost efficient and best values are going to be hammered out first...namely those that can be seen as to what the money is going to. People know that heat is important...but they do not see the importance in renovating a gym so that that snot nosed, damage making, punk of a youth can actually come and feel as if that church is his home too. What all this smells like to me is idolatry. Too many idols...too many people willing to serve those idols.

There is a wonderful story in the Old Testament about Moses and the people he leads out of slavery. Moses goes to the top of Mount Sinai, to receive the commandments God wants to give him. The problem is, that he has been there for forty days and forty nights. This whole time, God has been giving some instructions to Moses as to how he and the Israelites are to worship God...some specifics about worship. The people at the base of the mountain are getting restless, and so they get bored. They begin to wonder if Moses is ever coming back, and so they convince Aaron (Moses's brother) to build gods to go before them, to continue leading them into a new life. So, Aaron listens to them, is convinced by their asking, takes all the gold the people have, melts it down, and casts this odd looking calf. This calf is placed on a make-shift altar. Which in turn, becomes a place of worship for the Israelites. Moses sees this as he is coming down the mountain, gets cranked, and throws the stone tablets containing THE ten commandments to the ground. He goes to his brother, and in the most eloquent of Hebrew asks him, "Uh, dude, how you could be so stupid and gullible?" Moses' own brother is subject to the ease in which excuses are used to replace the living God, in which idolatry becomes a reason to celebrate and mock the care and redemption of God.

I sometimes think our churches are like the Israelites and we pastors are like Aaron. People in the church get sucked into this way of thinking about their golden cows...be it the building, the stained glass windows, the boiler, the ladies circles, the foundation/endowment, the second brick from the left on the upper northeast corner under the raingutter...people have their sacred cows to make them feel good about not doing the difficult work of actually being the kinds of people God is inviting them to be. People find the easy excuses of placing their allegiance somewhere else in the church rather than in the one who IS the church. Although, they might possibly say, "It's all a part of how we worship." Well, yeah, but even the best of intentions can be nothing but disguised cows waiting to be danced around because it allows for an easy, cheapened faith. I wonder if Dietrich Bonhoeffer had it right when he wrote about the difference between life that is costly and life that is cheap (check out The Cost Of Discipleship...definitely worth your time to read it!) I want to be the kind of person who sees the cows for what they are, and be a voice who calls churches to account for their dancing, their mocking, and their disregard for patience and faith. Because the real damage this does, is that it paints all of us with the same brush, and I am really sick of it! I don't want to be a part of some worn out and lame attempt to prove how we need to be all things to all people without doing the hard work of building a church that leaves no room for idols, but leaves space open for loving people for who they are and not for what we want them to be so that we like them. I would rather fail at being a pastor than lead a church and vision with them only to find that they mock God just so that they can be comfortable with who they are, who each other is, or worse yet who I am, or even worse, how they want this generation to fit with their agendas.

You and I have so much work to do to build up the church, but the difficult work begins with each one of us first. Take the time to work on you. Allow the restoration of God to capture your whole being, so that your life becomes the life God dreams for you...the life He made for you, the life He invites you into, and the life He loves you with. That breath you just breathed, was his life coming out of you. Take another...you feel Him? More later...

I got an email from a friend of mine who wrote about her dislike for how the church has become centered in a consumeristic lifestyle, and how those who come, aren't really interested in being revoluntionaries for the world because of what Jesus is doing in the world. No, these people, according to her, have this Pharisaic understanding that to be seen in the arena of worship, proves that their seat is still there! So many times in the Lutheran churches I have visited or served, one of the first things that I am just put off by is this idea that the sanctuary has selective seating! I remember serving my recent church, and at the traditional service, 99.98% of the people that came, all had their favorite spots to sit. I actually saw one time, an usher seat a fairly new person at this same service, and when the "owners" of the particular spot in the pew arrived to church, I actually saw in their faces, an outright expression of disgust. It made me ill to witness this.

I often wonder if it makes God ill? I am fairly certain that God is sickened by our behavior as people who follow his Son. We do so much damage to people around us, and the hard pill to swallow, is that we rarely notice when we do it. Yes, there are those who in their design of being people, are at the core, assholes! But even Jesus embraces them too, as one shirt I read says, "Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole!" So, we can assume that Jesus's death was for the sphinkterly challenged, and the arrogant, and the rude, and the mean, and the evil. This definitely proves that Jesus was and is better and more accepting than you or I will ever be towards those people around us who would rather allow life to happen to them so it gives them more of an excuse to make up more excuses about why life sucks and how they are victims, rather than giving life to other people, so that they can feel the love of God ooze from their hearts as Jesus prefers it that way.

I think that even though we might be Christian in our Sunday going presence, we are not living the holistic life that the gospel touches us with. It's been that way for a long time...well at least since Jesus lived and breathed as you and I, and even then, groups of people were convinced their understanding of faith to God was based soley on "getting it right." I want to be with people who could care less about getting it right, and more about getting it, period! I mean that we would embrace the value of valuing others, using our lives to give life to others, and that we would be gentle with people, living in the humility of a Servant. Yesterday, I had a discussion with a pastor I am working with, and he and I were talking about what type of Christmas messages he and I could preach on. And we were talking it out, and one of the themes we kept coming back to, was this mention in the Gospel of Luke 2:14...the angels coming to the shepherds to call them to see Jesus for themselves...to be the first witnesses of his birth. "Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to all people on whom his favor rests." Let me share with you what I told my pastor friend.

I suck at peacemaking. I am not all that good at being merciful with those who hurt me, or my family and friends. In fact, I want to have some sort of Monty Python scene where a big damn foot comes out of the sky un-announced, and squashes my enemies to a flattened pool of muck and grease! That would be cool! But, because of the Christ who lives in me, I cannot wish that on anyone. I can wish that Christ would take a 2 by 4 and knock some sense into them, and sometimes that 2 by 4 comes in the form of a humility experience...one in which that person or persons are deflated so much, that it changes their entire lives. But, I admit it! I suck at peacemaking! The Air Force used to have a motto for its defensive understanding of who they were as a combative force, also known as the Strategic Air Command. Their motto was, "Peace Is Our Profession." Actually, it was deterrence that they excelled at. Bombers, missiles, jets, nukes, and any and all other weaponry was meant to deter any country who wanted to sack up, and attack us as a country. Their idea of making peace was one of negotiating or promoting fear, living with paranoia, threat management, and staying alert! I would venture to say, we are the same way as people. We tend to fear others. We are afraid of the potential that the damage done to us, would wipe us out, and kill our spirits. We are afraid that if we drop our defenses, our vulnerabilities will come out and they won't be received well. They could even be used against us. And depending on what ethnicity you are, this fear of others is deep in your fiber of design. The more Norwegian you are, the less you allow your defenses down. The more German you are, the more you fortify and build up your defenses.

This really is more than an ethnic problem though. This is a people problem. And it is rampant in our churches. We fear others because giving life to others as Jesus would, means that we might just change, and be somebody different, somebody we are unfamiliar with, somebody who is not in control, somebody who lets love destroy every one of the deeply planted defensive structures in us. I think the laziness, the indifference, the consumerism, the arrogance, and the fear, all have to do with mistaken identity. If our faith is all about what we do and how much we give, and how much we begrudingly sacrifice, then the work of faith is all up to us. It's as if, we can choose just how effective our good works are going to be because we want to believe that without our work, nothing can be accomplished, and therefore God will not be pleased, and then his big right foot comes out of the sky and...well, you get the point. In this dominant understanding of faith, our identity is shaped by us...by our own doing.

Faith is something that is done to us, for us, and in us. Faith works itself literally from the inside of us to the outside of us. I love the Greek translation of the word for compassion...it literally means, "a tearing of the guts." Faith does that same thing. A faith that works its way from the inside-out of a person, leaves no room to be lazy, or concerned with selective seating, or afraid of others. NO! Faith tears at us and opens our eyes, tunes our hearing, and uses our moments to notice the mundane and the ordinary around us in the lives of our friends, our co-workers, the person next to us who we do not know. Faith that comes to us from a Jesus-shaped God leaves little room for excuses, justifying why one is not fully engaged in the best life Jesus invites us into. Faith is breathing life into us all the time so that it works its way out of us to GO where we are needed. And sometimes that going is to our families, our jobs, our schools, our spouses, our churches...definitely the world. In this dominant understanding of faith, our identity is shaped by a Jesus-shaped God who is so in love with us, that He gives us a way of living that penetrates the indifference to the world AND of the world. That way of living is Jesus. Jesus is love. And therefore, love will always win over the assholes of the world...and maybe one or two of them, will see just how long Jesus has been loving them and has been trying to get their attention. Maybe love in winning over the indifference of the world (assholes too), is the only way that making peace between you and I is ever going to have a chance.

I could write more, but I will let that set into your heads for now, as it is doing in mine. Must have some iced tea! More later...

I have been doing some interviews lately for my next venture in ministry, seeking some sort of call into some sort of church full of some sort of people. And as I sit in and amongst the call committees, and sort through their barrage of questions, I am deeply aware that there is a sense of hurting or incompleteness in churches today. Yes, the church is incomplete as Jesus has not yet returned to make his kingdom a reality, but I am talking about the feelings of need and lack of vision that I sense in churches, which makes them feel somewhat incomplete.

Not all churches are like this by all means. There are places of worship out there who "get it" and are not afraid to be held down by presumption, or status, or existing just for that sake. But, sadly within the Lutheran church, I see communities who are deeply searching for something. What is that something? Health, peace, identity, restoration, the list goes on. It's interesting to field questions from good hard working folks who have a love and passion for serving their church, but are either deeply aware that something needs to be done now to be an emerging community for the 21st century, OR there are those folks who simply don't understand what that means. For them, the 1950's model of existing as passive Lutherans is alright, and for them, they want that life until everyone meets after their burial for pie and coffee!

This is not the kind of people God designed us to be...those who simply exist passively, expecting our faith to be filled to the brim lest we use it by chance once in a while during our daily commute back and forth praying to God we don't get crunched by a semi hauling the latest castings of the All American Anvil Company. That would damage us but good! Cynically I say this. But, there are people who sit in the pews wanting to be reassured of their life as their life is comfortable. I love the old saying,"Jesus came to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable!" Living as a person who names and claims Christ is risky and brings with it, discomfort. Because soon or later, people can change into the type of person God intends them to be...realizing their full potential for the Kingdom's purpose; living a life evolving and changing into a person by the revolutionary man known as Jesus. This is messy work for messy people as Mike Yaconelli puts it in his book, "Messy Spirituality." Becoming that kind of person risks all that we know to be comfortable, assuming, unchallenged, and well-oiled. Real life with real problems, living as a healing follower of Jesus does not include within the vernacular of faith, the word "comfortable."

My fear is that certain churches are comfortable with who they are even though under that thin surface, they are hurting and don't feel they are a place of value for the lost, the broken, and the dying. Interestingly, I have met pastors who are comfortable with who they are much to their own arrogance, believing that they are what their church needs to experience a viable and relevant faith. I own a bit of this too. I have learned that because of my experiences and hurts, successes, gifts, etc., I am just as prone to being cocky now and then ministering to people. I want to be a confident/competent person, but not for a lack of humility and honesty about admitting that sometimes, I can be an arrogant ass just like the rest of us. Yet I press on as Paul says, towards the goal of understanding the ultimate sacrifice of God...realizing his own Son's life in my life and how that becomes the way of living for me. One of the most profound challenges today within the church is combating the attitude of indifference because of its comfort. I pray and cry out to God that humility would find its way back into the tightly wound preserved system we have made into the church. I have this picture in my mind of Christ literally weeping at people's lack of humility in his church and for his church. Humility is the only way of seeing to the needs of the person next to me and you. Once we own that again, only then will the church stop searching for whatever it lacks, or be able to deal with its hurt and incompleteness. I realize that's HUGE and maybe it will never happen within my lifetime, but it can't hurt to talk about humility inside and outside the church, that I try and live that out, and perchance, maybe one or two people might want to address their lives from that lens too.

So, I am curious what your thoughts are:
1) What do you struggle with when it comes to church, belonging to a church, not attending a church, or being skeptical of church? What is it that holds you back from fully engaging your life into the life of a church?

2) If you could design, plan out, form, piece together, or format a church community...what would that look like (Focus or mission? Intention? Building? Etc)

Thanks for reading my rant, but all this and more, ironically, is really rolling around in my head, and making me think...which truly happens now and then for you skeptics...yes, I think! And the questions are really for you to think about...don't send me a dissertation. But, I truly am curious about your own point of view when it comes to the modern church what you see as some of the gaping holes in it. So, let me know. I would pay you for your answers, but alas I am broke. More later...

Can someone explain to me how to prevent a two year old from destroying a Christmas tree? For some reason, having a perfectly good pine tree in our living room is nothing more than a temptation to our two year old to touch, play under, throw his football at, gawk at, and really tempt fate that if he could just touch the ornaments, his whole life would be complete. I feel as if I need to construct some sort of barrier like a fence around our poor tree as not to be defiled by the wandering hands of a miniature hurricane also known as my son. I dread the day we actually put some presents under the tree...uh, that will tempt him even more. This is why I believe we should have purchased a two foot tall tree...one in which he could not reach as it would have been up high on some sort of table, where we could put presents out of his reach. But, we are traditionalists I suppose. Not a bad thing if you don't have a two year old who questions the motivation of why there is a tree at all now residing in his space of rest, playing, and obsessing about all things Thomas the Tank Engine! But to be honest, I wouldn't trade any of this time of wonder and bewilderment, and probably some excitement that he feels right now about this weird object full of lights, ornaments, and other assorted decorations adorning our living room. I love it. Now if I could just stop him from torturing our cat... More later...

I am finally back! I just returned last night from the oddly industrialized city of Cincinnati, OH attending the National Youth Worker Convention. Basically, it is a gathering of some 4000 folks who love kids and minister to them the gospel of Jesus Christ. All denominations are there, tons of folks from their 20's to their 70's! It's an amazing gathering of folks! I went this year, not really expecting to go. My "brother" and his wife, decided since the good ole continuing education rug was pulled out from underneath me, they were somehow going to make sure I attended. They made some phone calls and that was that, my registration was paid for, the hotel was paid for, and the van was paid for. Basically, all I had to pay for were lunches, and whatever else I wanted my grubby hands to purchase.

So, eight of us piled into a large bulbous van last Thursday morning, and drove from Janesville, around Chicago, around Indianapolis, and into Cin-city. The drive was marked with about 100 miles of non-wet pavement as it rained all the way there, some seven hours! For those who have no idea what Indiana looks like, imagine travelling west on I-94 from Fargo, halfway between that and Jamestown. Flat, fields, smells, and wind! We stayed downtown at the Garfield Suites. Not a bad hotel, but I am not going to stay there anytime soon...too many staff people that made it really obvious they do not care about the customer.

I thought I would list then, the highlights of the trip as opposed to me detailing them for you. I might elaborate on a few...here goes:

1) Going to the Rock Bottom restaurant that first night. The waiter leads us to our table, I hear a voice call out my name, and I see one of the coolest, nicest people I know from way back in our college days. She is there also for the same reason. Coincidence? I don't think so...
2) Watching the college football game of the year! I feel your pain Michigan!
3) Seeing, er, hearing Mike Pilavachi speak. Mike is one of my heroes, and is definitely an anointed man of God, and is someone I would love to follow around for a while and soak in his wisdom.
4) Going to a seminar on Porn! Well, actually it was about understanding the power porn can have on our lives and the lives of young people, and how we can be a voice of understanding and change when it comes to addiction or temptation to it.
5) Hearing from the stage, in front of 4000 plus people, the president of Youth Specialties begin his general session speech with, "I am an arrogant ass!"
6) Seeing an actual drug deal go down across the street from our hotel! Oh yeah, fun was had by all!
7) Seeing the David Crowder Band for like the gujillionth time play! They never disappoint!
8) Grabbing a Reuben sandwich from the world famous Izzy's by our hotel. I usually don't like the hoards of sauerkraut on anything, but this was definitely a sandwich that I will never forget.
9) Buying some great books...one of which I have already read. Craig Gross wrote a great book titled, "Dirty Little Secret." It's a book about, as I have already mentioned up top, about the unsaid and destructive addiction of porn, and how it can be combated in our churches, and in our lives. The topic is one that I have seen firsthand how familes and my friends can be prone to its lure and how they cannot defeat it.
10) Driving seven hours through Ohio, Indiana, and Illinois to come home to Wisconsin is not all that enjoyable, but when you have a strange and fun crew as we had, it can be tolerable! Group bonding in more like it!

Anyway, I had a good time, and I am thankful for my brothers and sisters on this weird journey of learning about our faith and especially how we can all minister to the youth of today. It's amazing! More later...

Is there anything more uplifting and befitting for this nation to know that truth, justice, and of course, balls have now taken control of the governmental branches. Ah, yes people. You know who I am talking about...say it with me one time...

THE DEMOCRATS!!!

See, I told you the American people were and are fed up with Bushy. And, I think he got the message Tuesday. I love the fact that when all was said and done yesterday, Rumsfeld gets the boot...I wish you no luck, and don't the let the big white door hit your ass on the way out...or perhaps it should. This country surprises me every now and then. It's as if this huge Republican pendulum was swinging slowly out to the right and it was a steady movement. That was until Tuesday. You can't swing that pendulum so far for so long without people becoming upset and tired of its momentum. I think the pendulum is going to move back, but now the Democrats have the task of not letting it displace them or make them look like the tail between the legs GOP! I congratulate the Dems for taking control of the Senate and the House...and I thank the American people for not being duped or conned by the spin of the GOP and voting for the best choice possible, well, as long as he/she was Democrat.

Anyone else find it very suspicious that Britney Spears divorce from K-Fed became public Tuesday as the nation voted? I am telling you...that relationship was a micro-cosm for this whole relationship between the Dems and Repubs. You've got this multi-talented, attractive, not big on taking stands, sort of smart, but you wouldn't know it kind of mother "of two" chewing gum...biding her time, waiting for her moment to make her mark for the good of all that is American. On the other side, you've got this beer gutted, closeted gay minority directing hate at who again?, ugly tie wearing, lobbyist ass kissing bunch of goons led by THE goon himself...one who uses the American people to float his spending habit...not to buy shit, but to expense war, one who uses the Dems trust and position to make him look better, one who dresses the American people as fools...honestly believing that we will buy whatever Song and Dance bullshit that he puts out. Sound familiar? Hmmmm....and who would Bushy be representing...oh yeah, K-Fed!

Yes, this is how my mind works! So, applaud as loudly as you can right now...let's savor this moment. Because this moment...well, it has already come and gone, but we can wait for the tinglies again to hit us orgasmically, when the next President is a Democrat waiting in the wings, maybe the shadows, watching and learning...waiting for the time he/she will step out and bask in the glory of his/her fallen comrades guffaws. Sad, to say, but Kerry seems to be setting a precedent as the leader of the guffaw count. Well, we wait. And wait...and wait. More later.

Why is "Miami Vice" one of the coolest and most under-rated shows to ever air...ever? I have now begun re-watching Seasons 1 and 2 on DVD and it is sooooo GOOD! I especially like the Miami backdrop, the music, the plots...man, it was and still is an incredibly cutting edge show. Now, this re-watching inspires me to start wearing pastels, grow a five o'clock shadow, wear the Ray Bans, and buy block color suitcoats! Don't laugh...pastels will make a comeback...you just wait. More later...

I consider myself a moderate to liberal Democrat. Actually, to be fair to my uncle Allen, he would want me to be a card carrying "yellow-dog" Democrat, or one who votes down straight party lines no matter who is running. I have not always paid attention to the mid-term elections with previous Washington administrations, but this year, I have been forced due to the incompetency and sheer amount of fear mixed with piss and vinegar this White House has evoked within so many people around this great country. For example, I find it boggling that within six years, our national deficit has doubled since Bushy took office raising it to 8 trillion dollars. Guess who is going to flip that bill. Sure as hell will not be the GOP. It will be us, paying that bar tab long after this crop of politicians leaves D.C.

Now, yes, the war has had alot to do with that deficit. But, there are numerous companies who have lobbyist ties who are profiting from the war in Iraq. Yes, there are people making money off the war...because someone, somewhere along the way got a whole bunch of people to decide to outsource our troops day to day needs and overall stability. Meaning, that the tasks that the normal soldier could do, such as clean toilets, make food and feed his fellow man, has now been turned over to people who can be paid to do those jobs. One of the companies making money? Haliburton! Dicky Cheney's arm of course will be reaching into that pot of cash long after he has left office, I can assure you. It makes me sick to my core that this administration, probably with full knowledge, has allowed such a shameful act of treason to exist. Making money off the dead men and women who gave their lives for God knows what, in a country that wants the good ole US of A to leave, does not at all speak trust to me...that I am to give my support the war on terror based on just that small tidbit of betrayal to soldier's families is evil and wrong.

I have had it with this stupid excuse for a president! You know, Clinton was not the best when it came to perhaps maintaining a professional and personal balance with his life, but look at his record of this country's approval rate and you will find that it supersedes Bushy's any day. If Clinton was doing such a horrible job, why did we as a country have the lowest unemployment rate in years? Now, it's back up again. I ought to know. This Texan bumpkin needs to shut his mouth for the last two years, and leave quietly. The GOP needs to stop being self-righteous, pretending to not know what's going on with its over-paid senators wasting tax dollars, sitting at computers, talking dirty to Brooks Brothers dressed, over-cologned, Harvard rejected page boys and do their fucking jobs...namely to get us the hell out of Iraq as we the American people were lied to, to justify going there in the first place, and now we are of course without an exit strategy whatsoever. Stay the course...my ass! In the month of October alone, we as a country lost 100 soldiers to this so-called war. That's 100 soldiers who will not fall in love, get married, see their kids grow, kiss their spouses again, spend Christmas around the tree with loved ones, enjoy the sounds of a beautiful symphony, or see another sunset. These are 100 lives who will not ever understand why they died, or perhaps what they were doing in Iraq in the first place.

I grew up with the knowledge that my military is a good thing. The military that I pay for, as many issues or shortcomings that it might have, is generally a thing that I should support. And I do. But, I feel that using it for a personal agenda or vendetta is not what it is there for. It is not some president's personal chess pieces to be moved along the chess board of the world threatening check mate whenever someone comes along that that president might not like. Are there bad guys in the world that need to be taken out? Absolutely. North Korea is going to be next on this country's radar, I guarantee it...once this president leaves. But, we cannot be the playground bully around the world, by ourselves for too much longer. Is it any wonder that well-thought out intentionally smart countries have basically looked at us in what we are doing by who's leading us, and wished us luck, but want no part in what we are doing based on who's leading us? I know that Democracy will not be the dominant way of the world to do government. I know that. We as a country cannot be so arrogant as to think that Democracy will fix any country out of its unrest and ethnic misunderstandings. In fact, it is our arrogancy as a country, that alot of nations despise, who therefore hate us because arrogancy in their minds has led this country to be a very debaucherous Sodom and Gomorrah. Now, that's just one take on it. But, I spoke to a guy from England a couple years back when I was in Dallas for a pastor thing, and he is my age. We got to talking. And he said something I will never forget. He said, "The whole world knows that your country is killing this planet slowly, and it's sad that your arrogancy as a country has blinded you to that." I loved what else he said. He said, "I still have no idea how a country so smart would have elected such a wanker for a president." I said "Exactly...me too."

I am going to vote tomorrow. It is my right as someone who is fed up. My one vote could help place some much needed checks and balances back to where it needs to be in D.C. If the Democrats take control of the House, Pelosi becomes speaker, and thus begins the never-ending battle to make some positive changes in this country be for the good of the people, instead of one man's conscience. Yes, my Democratic tank of thinkers and doers need to take stands on issues and stick with it...create backbone among each other so as not to please every whim and whine that the GOP accuses them of...stand the ground of taking a position and you will earn the people's respect. Needless to say, I am going to vote Democrat because I can find not one Republican I would trust. Bill O'Reilly has it wrong. I think that American people are going to show up in droves tomorrow to make some change happen. He is of the opinion that low voter turn-out will help the GOP maintain control of the House, therefore continuing Bushy's agenda. I know lots of folks are just as fed up as I am. So, we need to make our presence known tomorrow. We need to vote, and take the power back to where it belongs...in and among the American people who want this country to be led by government that cares about them, appreciates them, and values them so they can serve them...as opposed to what we have now... a government serving itself for itself. I cannot and will not accept that. I hope you will not either. More later...

P.S. I have not written anything lately as I haven't really had anything to say. My life is pretty much the same thing in and out each week. I am not liking it all that much lately either. I love spending time with the "brick"...he is my life. I love him. But, I am incredibly disillusioned with a church who I thought was oiled enough to help its brothers and sisters out who need another call. Boy, how wrong have I been. This man made religion is getting under my skin and forcing me to realize that this is not what Jesus had in mind in building his church. I want to return to that vision and start a church that is all heart, faith, and intentionally seeking to be a real community who surrounds itself with the redemptive, restorative, and revolutionary story of God, wanting to be changed by that story and living the story out not as an obligation (of which many people in the Lutheran church do), but as a normal way of being. So much so, that dying to themselves becomes a forethought into breath and silence, motion and speech, emotion and dreams. This is the church that I see needs to exist for so many folks, who are just as turned off by institutionalized religion as I am. I will write more about that some other time. Until then...happy voting.

One of the best and most challenging years of my life, was when I was on internship for my seminary education. I was assigned to a small church near Lodi, Wisconsin. Karen and I lived in Lodi in a townhouse. We had the upstairs, and the Peters family had the down. They were/are members of the church I interned at, and we quickly became good friends simply because they are wonderful, generous people, and they lived downstairs. So, we would grill out alot, have a few drinks now and then, and simply hang out with them. Jim and Sally would keep me sane and basically be good listening ears when Karen was in Platteville teaching. Along the way, Jim and I realized that we have a passion for fishing, so we tried to go fishing when we had some time off, and well, we didn't do so well, but we went and had a good time. I even tried to go catfishing with him one blistering hot July night. God, that stink bait was bad! Anyway, over the years, we have all kept in touch somewhat, always amazed at how much all of our lives change and evolve every time we all talk. So, last week I got a phone call from Jim, asking me if I wanted to go Coho Salmon fishing near Sheboygan on Sunday. Well, being one who loves to fish and also being the type of person who will always be up to trying something for the very first time even though I don't know how to do it, I agreed to go. With some extra additional items of purchase I thought I was going to be alright.

Well, the thing is, when one goes trout/salmon fishing in any sort of shallow brook or stream, one needs to have the clothing or footwear that would allow him to fish and not get wet. Well, I didn't quite think about that, but Jim did. He told me I could borrow a pair of his waders, but the clincher is, that these are "booty" waders in which the booties are made of neoprene (the material that keeps one dry in the water), and they fit into any assorted boots one would want to wear in the water. So, with my trusty pair of rubber boots, I try to slip in the booties, but alas they do not fit. Well, I am forced to wear my rubber boots, with jeans tucked into them and my assorted layers so as to not freeze.

We left Lodi, drove about 125 miles east, until we got to the little village of Kohler (yes, they make my favorite type of urinals and other toilets there as well), and we go to a secluded stream by a golf course. It is exactly what pictures look like when you think of trout streams. Very clear water, very cold water, and fast moving too. We get there, and I wrestle with the aforementioned boot thing, Jim suits up, I grab my box, and off we go into the water. We walk until we get to a place where we could actually see King Salmon resting as they are making their way up stream. It was awesome to be a few feet away from a 20 pound fish who is all muscle. The deal is that last weekend was the end run of the salmon as they have spawned out. So, that means that once they make little fish, they eventually lose energy and die. It was a bit strange walking along the stream and seeing rotting salmon carcasses strewn about.

I begin to throw my spinner bait and wasn't getting a damn thing. Jim actually snagged a dying fish, and then walked downstream and did the same thing again. So, we spent a good four hours there, and decided to leave. My right boot just so happened to get soaked as we made our way back to my truck, and I was pissed. When we got to the next spot, I took the boot off, changed socks, and put the damp boot back on. I tried my luck again, but nothing. Jim once again, had to show me how it's done. He actually snagged a salmon while it was running, in its dorsal fin. That is a bad spot to hook a salmon. You will fight that fish forever, and it took Jim a long time to actually land it. Beautiful fish though.

We then left, drove into Sheboygan, and went to the best Chinese buffet I have ever eaten at! They even had hot and spicy octopus...I quickly passed on it. We ate, and ate, and ate...it was worth it, and if you were there, you would have done the same thing. We then found our way back to Lodi, where I dropped the big guy off, and I went home to Janesville. All in all, it was a great fishing trip with a great friend. I got to try something I had never done before albeit without the right type of rod and clothing, but I tried. I saw some very beautiful country, hanging out in nature, and listened to a stream rush its water for hours...excellent! I know the Cohos are running in two weeks. I might have to give it another go....we'll see. I might get a craving for hot and spicy octopus between now and then...yummy! More later...

Here is what annoys me lately:
1. Friends who do not update their blogs, nor do they call, nor do they email (I won't mention any names, but his name rhymes with "scram.")
2. Wiping more snot from my two year old than I want to remember.
3. Feeling like I am stuck in this weird holding pattern waiting for another call into a church.
4. Being asked to lead worship at a very cool church, but then told that I have to follow their way of planning and leading...what is that about?
5. Too many socks with holes in them.
6. Not being able to find Live Phish 19 in the vinyl slipcase....UGH!
7. Slow mail.
8. Feeling lonely.
9. Fall has arrived.
10. My wife making a thousand brownies for her students, but leaves me none!
11. Lack of sleep.
12. Regret.
13. Knowing that in a few short weeks, I am going to be freezing my ass off, raking the enormous piles of leaves that accumulate every year, and trucking it out to the front of our house, only to have it all sit there for a few more weeks, until the street sweeper guys come and collect it all. I hate leaves!
14. Friends who are far away...some who are too far away!
15. Waiting for Dream Theater, Threshold, Rush, and Kansas to put out new music.
16. Blankets in the bed, that bunch up, move to the middle of the bed, and leave their only job...to cover me and keep me warm.

Above my computer in my office here at home, I have this homage to the two greatest horror movies of all time (well, OK, at least two of the greatest!) in movie poster form. I love the movie Halloween. Great stuff. The music stills creeps me out. SO, on one side, I have the reprint of the actual movie poster for that movie...the pumpkin looking like something from a lame Scooby Doo cartoon with this detached hand holding a very sharp knife. A somewhat scary poster. Next to it, I have a poster that I had been scouring the earth for since high school. I found it in '03 at this poster shop on State Street in Madison. It is the reprint of the movie poster promoting one of the best movies to ever star a garden tool - The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

Now, this is not some ordinary poster mind you. In October of '03, I was looking around the internet, and noticed that the guy who played the original Leatherface in the 1974 movie, was going to be on tour, signing autographs, and one of the places he was coming to was Rockford, IL. I took my movie poster, and my DVD thinking he would sign both. I got there early, and it was this really huge party store...they sell all things party---cups, ribbon, paper, candles, etc. For Halloween though, they convert half the store into this massive horror shop...masks, costumes, and props...it's great. There was me and some other guy waiting, and when Gunnar Hansen showed up, I was like "that's the Face." I had him sign the poster, and I bought one of his movie 8X10's and had him sign that too. It was very cool to meet him, and tell him that this is my favorite horror movie ever.

OK, fast forward to yesterday. Yesterday was the opening day of "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning." This movie really sets up the whole story for the other movie that came out two years ago. See, they made a remake of the 1974 classic in 2004. It was sort of like the original, but different...they gave more backstory, and sort of twisted the story line adding more characters. It was a really well done remake. So, yesterday, this movie opened, and of course I went. I went to the first showing here in Janesville...the matinee at the Rock. It was me and like three other people. I love a near empty theater like that. Sat near the front...no one ahead of me. Watched the previews...they are coming out with a "Saw 3." Loved the first two. And then the movie started.

This is by far one of the best horror movies I have seen in a long time. This movie will scare the pants of you if you are a casual horror movie watcher. I loved it!!! Andrew Bryniarski, who plays "Leatherface/Thomas Hewitt" is incredibly intimidating. This guy in real life, is built. I mean his arms are huge. It's obvious he takes good care of his body, and lifts immense amounts of weights. R. Lee Ermey who was in the first movie, and now is the second, playing the role of Sheriff Hoyt, continues to be creepy. He is a great actor. But, in these TCM movies, he is really creepy. You see how "the family" with him being the head of it, is pulled into his way of understanding the world and how it needs to be punished. That punishment comes out brutally. There is another bunch of young actors playing the consistent roles of "a group of teenagers crossing Texas to go somewhere" who fall victim to the Hewitt home. Each actor was really good. Definitely more action and dialogue with this movie than in '04 for this group. The most creepy thing with this movie is the house. The family house is this dark monolith of unspeakable fear and death. The filmmakers take the house, and really make it the star in this version...you see more of it, and more action revolves around who's going where and why are they going there. Leatherface's basement is not seen so much in detail as it was with the last movie, but it is still there and quickly becomes this place of hell. I found funny though, that the basement is actually livable...it's somewhat clean. But, once the bodies are chopped, it becomes what we see in the '04 movie; fingers in jars, assorted noses, the lone eyeball sitting on the workbench...you get the idea.

I will not spoil this movie for you though, if you decide to see it. I dare not tell you the ending. I loved the ending. Definitely a classic way to end a great movie. This movie totally lived up to my expectations, and it was well worth my $5.50! I am already looking forward to the DVD release of this. Once again, it shows that Tobe Hooper continues to evolve with this story in conceiving it, and even directing it. He is definitely a great visionary with this story. So, go out and see this movie. Take your friends, sit back and relax. I guarantee that you will not be able to hear another chainsaw again and NOT think of this movie. GO NOW, or you'll be next! (Cheesy I know, but it was what Gunnar Hansen said to me on his pic to me, and now I pass on his advice to you for free). More later...

I am sickened and offended by the arrogant and the stupid who overcrowd the corners of the world. I have found myself lately, feeling hostile against the arrogant; those who take themselves too seriously, and expect everyone else to respond to them that way. We have all talked to people like this, and suffered by their words, actions, and convictions. It amazes me that even God would construct stupid people who believe their place in this world is one they make to be isolated, powerful, deceitful, and hurtful to those who believe they can do no wrong. I guess in this poem, I was thinking about all this, and I had two particular people in mind. One of whom is very high in official governmental ranking. The other is more contextual to my surroundings. I will let you figure out who they are. May you be as sick as I am about the arrogant and the stupid violating our intelligence and slicing it up to confuse us and believe them even more. Gutless men who want attention suck! More later...


at the angle of being seen into
10.03.06

the unbreakable bond between what is right and wrong
violates the opportunities to be vengeful against arrogance.
for arrogance is a vain way to live by words and actions.
it could speak of one’s desires or need to control content
and frustrate the unwilling, while maintaining a guard up.
the deceitful ways of this ironic disposition,
causes hurt and harm to be empowered from its ugliness.
it all reaps the innocence of so many spirits
while backing its fix of needing to be right in this war of life.
accepting it all without shame or remorse,
speaks to how evil can disguise itself in living day to day.
this waste of time is uncountable for the masses
who stretch out their fears and impending deaths,
waiting for the compassionate to take notice of them.
arrogance is boring in its appearance and worldly stamina,
even as it drives the socio-economic guzzlers another day.
the decayed and ignored are victims by this boorish agenda.
the fury of the arrogant threatens the futile peace
that could be…not in some dream or nightmare.
but for the here and now context of our futures.
we pay the inflated price of receiving the shallow pride,
indifferent to the problems the world bleeds out from.
the arrogant lack the shreds of empathy that build trust…
to find love, commit to passion, vision better lives for others.
wasted days of procrastinating the humanity needed feeds again.
lies of frail, mindless men stack the deck against their hunger.
such roles rank the vile outcomes of relief upon bare asses lifted high.
it is from that vantage point, that the arrogant are to be kissed
and left for dead in their most rotten of flesh suits they proudly wear.

I heard about the tragedy today at the Platte Canyon High School in Colorado, and then tonight I read the AOL news report on just what happened. It all makes no sense to me just as Columbine made me feel. I read that the gunman, an older guy, shot a 16 year old girl named Emily Keyes, and then himself. I just don't get it. I don't understand how evil can take advantage of innocence in the form of some unnamed man, armed and ready to die, for his own cowardice. My heart breaks for that community and those kids at that high school. Not to mention the younger kids who might have questions about what happened. I cannot imagine being a parent right now in that community...not to mention how Emily's parents are doing and what they must be going through. So, tonight, I had to write about it...in some way. I guess you could say this is some sort of poetry, although it's closer to what I would say if I were journaling it all. I wanted to talk about it. For example, I hate how the media sensationalizes violence such as today, and then as we have heard it before, the media has the gaul to ask why our youth today are so disconnected and numb to the world around them. The media is the real psychotic bagman passing to us, the violent content they feed on which we willingly are fed. Sick. Anyway, these words are for Emily. She didn't deserve any of this, not today, not ever. More later...

pointless seconds …
9/27/06

for the community of Platte Canyon High:
the usefulness of senselessness is maddening
for the conscientiously sensitive people.
the punishment is never enough to justify
the brutality of surviving enough to only live.
were the questions enough to suffice the curious
and feed the media its bites and chokes of need to know.
but, the legs too scared to run,
and the tears too big to quit,
remind the world that armed madmen run rampant
across the open fields of innocence and hope.
is there no regret in the eyes of we who assume comfort,
or we who want to forget tragic reciprocity to the ignored?
when do the generations to come,
with their entire God blessed being,
realize how safe their education into the world should be?
to the ones who cry out their grief,
who heard the cries of fear echo throughout corridors,
who were given choices to stay and be played upon,
who thought nothing at all but their families,
these are the ones who glimpsed evil in its face,
and now remember its aroma of death in their midst.
what about the ones to young to realize?
are the words ever enough to explain the reasons why?
Emily Keyes…
God, it was not her intention to die in her youth,
in her fear, in her solitude, by the hand of cowardice.
wrap your arms tightly around this one God,
for someone so young to see your face now,
makes no sense to those of us this side of death.
for we are the ones who hold the pain tightly as to why…
wrap your arms around the grief, the hurt, the loss.
for only you God can make sense out of such tragedy…
because not one of us can ever realize
why schools have become modern day venues of assassination.
not one of us…
where is the good to arise?
where is the healing starting?
how tight are the hugs tonight?
when is it all going to change,
so that your creation treats itself as one world,
one body, one people, one love?
may it be realized now,
now that death once again speaks to the division
humanity suffers by and is alone with.
can we ever become one,
so that no one person make the choice
to take the life of another?
God, I hope so…

Some of you may know that I write poetry, and that I began doing that when I was in high school, although then, it was mostly feeble attempts to somehow tell those whom I had some affection for, how I felt. Since then, I have mostly written poems dealing with pain, emotion, life, love, passion, anger, loss, violence, sex, fear, and regret. Over time, I have used poetry to cleanse my heart of losing those things that I assumed were mine for the keeping, or escaping into the ways of my head without really saying what it is that I want to say outright...I think certain people around me would be hurt or weirded out if they knew that some poems are directly about them and my response to how I felt or feel about them. This is not to say that all my poems are about people, but alot of them are about my relationship or lack of in direct response to who they are now, or who they were then, or what their lives could be now, including my wife, my family, my friends, myself and my God. Again, for me, writing poetry is about escapism into a world that is not anyone's world, but my world...one that I build with words, speaking my desires, or sense of love into it. And so, I thought I would give you an example. Something I wrote today. I just started another poetry book (this is number three), entitled "Violations Of Black" and this is actually the first poem in it. Perhaps these words are not yours, but maybe you can relate... More later...


blinding the heart
9/27/06

alone by day, solitary by night
the man wanders constantly.
worry and fear are companions
in this unreachable journey.
too long is the time to mend
the broken he feels all around.
the daybreak brings guilt
by obsession and travels into
the nowhere destination.
the image he sees is her face
buried in his chest…
so beautiful…

reading the minutes drain away,
the joy he sees in her eyes again.
twisting the words to what
they want means nothing said at all.
but, the moment that matters
is the here and now.
not some tomorrow waiting
on an inescapable clutch.
for the smiles tell it all
in the images of their faces
hidden in her chest…
so beautiful…

blinding the heart
is the consequence of time
breaking the memory of all that it is…
blinding the heart
is the substance of now
feeling the pain slip into their hands

she’s so beautiful…
does she even know?
she’s so beautiful
and she’s nowhere to be found
once again…

In the tradition of all Saturdays since I was two, I had planned on doing the most of the least I had to do yesterday, because after-all, it's Saturday! I figure why should I do anything at all, besides of course, watch college football! Now, I love college football. Always have. I love watching such notables as Notre Dame, Texas, Michigan, Michigan State, Nebraska, and of course, the best college football team this side of the Red River...Wisconsin.

So, there I was yesterday about to watch the preview of the day on ESPN, when I got a phone call. It was the choir director from my former place of servitude. She called and asked me if I would like two tickets to the football game against San Diego State University? Now, how could I refuse? She gave them to me, no strings attached. What a wonderful lady she is. So, I then called my bud and compatriot, double E aka Lurch! But, do you think he was answering his cell phone? No! I then called another friend of mine, but he was going to be detained the whole day spending time with his extended family, so he was out. I get a call at 1PM from Lurch. He is finally home, tell him about the tix, and after some convincing and a phone call, it was settled.

We drove to Mad City and of course, trying to find a parking place around Camp Randall is interesting. Parking thousands of cars is nuts. But, we drove around a neighborhood and there was a nice man inviting me to park in his driveway for the only the amazing low price of 15 bucks. Now, as Lurch and I walked to the stadium, I was shocked by the number of houses having pre-game parties...and let me tell ya, people were partying. Now, I found out that alcohol is prohibited within the stadium, SO, people generally get loosened up BEFORE the game, thus this why the student section is hilarious to watch. Granted not all the students there are drunker than skunks, but I would have to say quite a lot them are.

We walk around the stadium trying to find our entrance point, find it, walk up to the upper deck and find our seats. Where we were sitting was awesome, you could see the whole field. Needless to say, my Badgers ruled, although their passing game was off, and their defense was about ready to drop as the game ended. The final score was Badgers 14, Aztecs ZIP! SDSU had no chance. But, it was not an easy win, by any means, because my Badgers were making some stupid decisions. Which makes me incredibly nervous about next week's game against Michigan.

To top off this whole initial experience going to see my beloved Badgers play, Lurch and I were making our way back to our car, along with this massive sea of people. The stadium sits beside frats and sororities so, obviously, the celebration could be seen and heard as we once again witnessed our future leaders having a good time. One particular guy was up on a balcony, buck naked, with nothing but a long tube sock on covering his, uh, essentials. Now, this was something that I didn't need to see, but I saw some woman point, and my eyes followed. Eeesh! I told Lurch, "I wonder if that guy will remember what he did tomorrow." Ahh, the kids these days! Makes you wonder...was I that odd and careless in college too? Yeah, I think I was. More later...

I am by all definitions, a metalhead. Not a gearhead. Or a deadhead. Very different things. See, if I were a deadhead, I would be about 115 lbs, adorn my skinny body with tye-dye, smell like patchouli, and partcipate in meeting with Mary Jane. But, see I am not that person at all. Did not grow up that way, and frankly, am not all that interested in not showering on a daily basis. You say, "why are you a metalhead Jason?" Well...

I can remember growing up in Williston, ND. It was 1979. I had just gotten this really cool record player that my Mom found at a garage sale. It was white and orange. It rocked. I was so excited to have it. I played all sorts of records on it. I listened to such classics as "Mickey Mouse Disco," "Disco Duck," "Saturday Night Fever Soundtrack," "Disco Fire (compilation album)," and this weird single McDonalds put out that was called "F-R-I-E-N-D-S!" Anyway, my Mom used to take me to the James Memorial Public Library there in Williston. I loved going. I was looking through the records one day when I came across a record that would significantly change the course of my life. There in front of me was the coolest thing I had ever seen. The images were awesome...scary, and made me want to listen to this thing. It was none other than Kiss "Destroyer!" I checked it out, took it home, and put in on that white and orange record player. I heard the type of music that I would forever be in love with. "God Of Thunder" definitely changed my likeness from Disco to Rock/Metal. And since then, it has been a great journey...listening to thousands of groups.

Another memory I have is when I was in the sixth grade. See, I might have been a metalhead, but I was truly a geek on the outside. I hadn't really found my true nitch in dressing the part yet. Didn't happen until I was in the 9th grade. See, in the sixth grade, I used to wear bad pullover sweaters, cords, ugly shoes, very ugly and uncomfortable sweatpants and sweatshirts (when nothing was clean) AND I had this bad, bad, haircut. I definitely did not fit in. But, I made a few friends at this time. One of whom was a guy named Jason Mackey. Mackey and I hung out alot. He lived on north hill by the airport. I would go to his house alot to stay over, watch movies, and listen to music. His influence on my listening ear was huge. He introduced me to such bands like Dokken, Quiet Riot, and April Wine. I can remember listening to Dokken's "Under Lock And Key" for the very first time at his house. His mom used to work at the airport as a security guard, so he had the house to himself alot. We took advantage of that, and we cranked that album so loud! God, it was great. 'Course we heard about it later from the neighbors, but we didn't care.

Another friend of mine in high school was a guy named Dan Davis. I met Dan our ninth grade year. He was from the Air Force Base, and transfered into Minot about the same time my family and I moved to Minot my sixth grade year. This guy knew more about thrash, speed, and black metal than I had ever experienced. He was big into Megadeth, Nuclear Assault, Exodus, Slayer, Misfits, and Anthrax. He and I used to eat lunch all the time in the cafeteria....same place everyday, eating the same thing day after day...hamburgers and fries. Then we would gather with our other metal friends and hang out in the third floor steps after lunch. We had a loogy spitting contest one day, but I will spare you the details. Dan was definitely a metalhead. Loved dark comic books, loved horror movies, wore the metal shirts, had the patched out denim jacket, plus he had the hair! Now, I had the hair...well, sort of. I had a kind of mullet then. Long cross earring, and feathered on top, long in back. It was not hockey player hair as mine had more product in it than they would ever be willing to touch. Ironically, I had my first drinking episode with Dan, the two Scotts, and Shawn. We all snuck on Base in Scott #1's Jimmy, with two cases - one Michelob, and one Red Dog. Ate pizza that night, drank beer in Dan's room, and watched all the Halloween movies. A metal moment at its finest...trust me!

College was a weird time for me. I was obsessed with the Pet Shop Boys. I know, I know. They are no where near anything having to do with metal. But, see I was a bit of a hopeless romantic depressive in college and their music spoke to me I guess about how I was feeling, how I should feel, and how I should not feel about love. Their lyrics and music were intelligent, so I was hooked. Now, I had a friend named Todd. Todd was into the eighties thing like I was, but he was also into seventies rock. Now, I wasn't. I knew who it was he liked and listened to, but I was not into them like he was. He listened to two bands non-stop - AC/DC and Rush...all of their early stuff too. I would endure this, not knowing that some ten years later I too would have most of Rush's catalog and most of AC/DC's classics as well...the same stuff he was listening to in Livedalen, first floor.

See, alot of my metalheadedness, comes from all the friends I used to hang with. That's not a bad thing. In fact, I like thinking about those memories, because we all had music in common...our love for it, and our rebellious nature because of it. We all found some common thread by which we could flip off the world with, and we loved it. This is not to say that I do not dabble in other types of music, but I always come back to the sonic bombastic ferocity of that which is metal. I have country, smooth jazz, blues, new wave, college radio, pop, synth pop, acoustic, rap, and I even have bagpipes (to name a few) in my CD collection. But, nothing can touch the response my brain and heart have when I hear the opening chords of "Wasted Years" by Maiden, or the drums on "Jesus Saves" by Slayer, or the guitar solo on "In My Dreams" by Dokken. It all makes the hair on the back of my neck come to attention, and that was the same feeling I had when I was five, listening to "Destroyer" for the very first time on vinyl. I loved every second of it. So, I may be older, I may not be able to fit into all my metal shirts anymore, my denim jacket does not fit, and I may be juvenile when it comes to still wanting to watch music videos on VH-1 Classic, but I just don't care. I would rather listen to this music than anything else. My kid is already digging the metal thing...as he headbangs to his pap's music....definitely my kid. Bang Thy Head my friends...get the metal horns up on the hands, and enjoy it. More later...

P.S. You country fans have no chance of turning me...you know that don't you? Yes, I am talking to you Di and Deb! No chance! Now, if Sawyer Brown ever became a speed metal outfit, I might think about it...

Since I am kind of a loser and haven't really posted anything here of substance in a week, I thought I would key you in on what I am currently listening to, or what's in my CD player as they say, as I will take the easy way out for now and keep this brief.

Mastodon - "Blood Mountain"
Black Label Society - "Shot To Hell"
Muse - "Black Holes And Revelations"
Iron Maiden - "A Matter Of Life And Death"
Fear Factory - "Archetype"
Dio - "Evil Or Divine: Live In New York City"

I will have more to say later about my current stint as a stay at home MOM, er, Dad, and of course the ever elusive search for another call in a church. More later...

Can somebody please explain to me why automobile tires are so expensive? They are what? Rubber and bits of steel all woven together...or something like that I presume. Now, don't get me wrong. I got a heck of a deal, but still. I used to own a Geo Metro...yes...imagine the scene of me driving that. I put four new tires on that once. They were small tires...something like 13's I believe. I had a hell of a time even finding the things. When I did...I replaced them, and I think I paid just under 180 bucks for all four tires, aligned and balanced. Today was a whole different league of payment. But, my garage smells like a tire shop...ahhh, the smell of new rubber...this bonus smell emitting, wafting in the air as my four new tires boldy hold up my trusty steed. I can now look forward to putting at least fifty more thousand miles on my steed as we journey the highways and biways together, or at least until something else goes wrong with it or decides to fall off. God, I love owning a vehicle. Don't you? More later...

I am trying to find some inner peace and strength lately about the recent events of my life. Unexpected changes and chances have come into play within what I thought was the resiliency with which I guard my life. I have always tried to be a man who is serious yet, does not take myself too seriously, enjoys youthful spirits, reads an entire book from cover to cover, speaks my mind about politics, loves extended family, is not afraid of change, has learned from every one of my failed relationships and is deeply thankful for all of them, drinks a bit of The Macallan and of course Morgan Cokes, watches the movie Halloween on Halloween night every year, and then watches the Texas Chainsaw Massacre on said night as well, loves his wife and child, loves Dream Theater about as much, digs great steak, loves to fish with my pap, and really appreciates re-connecting with long ago acquaintances. I try to be the type of person that my friends know I am loyal to, and fun to be with, and yet am always available when they need me. I try to be the type of man my parents and my family will proud of and love no matter what I do or where I go.

Now, I guess I am somewhat complex too. I don't read minds well at all, although I have been accused of wanting people to do that with me. I am not all that good at expressing my feelings calmly in an argument in which I know I am right. I refuse to eat green bean hotdish, or any other hotdishes that have questionable food items in them. I am not all that good at feeling "happy" at a consistent rate. I struggle with weight and always have. I sometimes wonder what my own death will be like. I sometimes sit on my side of the bed with my feet hanging down for long periods of time wishing that the enormous content of thoughts and feelings in my head would go away. I think way too often about the past. I regret certain things I said or did to hurt others...particularly those whom I loved. I am very meticulous when it comes to organizing and filing my CD collection, and get irate when my family cannot understand that. I wish I talked more to what I considered at one time, my best friends. I feel alone too often. I sometimes wish I had some other job that wasn't so public or noticable. I wish I could dance. I want to be able to actually drive a golf ball down the course with drives at least 200 yards or better. I wish I could fly an airplane to see friends. I want to play drums better and faster. I wish I did not have the ability to regret decisions. I miss my youth.

I guess the above is about my head right now. So many thoughts. So many feelings. So much I wish I could figure out. To be honest, I have tried now for the last couple weeks to be stronger or a better person for what crap was thrown at me. I cannot say that it has been the easiest, nor would I expect it to be. But, for the most part after saying good bye to people from church, I feel very alone. Not too many people have said anything to me from the church. I see some out and about around town, but mostly looks or a nod or a Hi. Maybe this is how it's all supposed to be. I don't know. But, I do know that when I was in seminary, I felt the same way. I was around tons of people and yet I felt like the lonliest person in the class room. And it was really because I didn't have anyone I could be myself with. Oh, there were two guys I liked to hang with, but they were older and I got the sense that I was bothering them or that I was a nuisance. Same can be said as a pastor. If it were not for the youth minister and his wife, my wife and I would not have friends to talk to from the church. No one but them chose to be close to us. Everyone else...there is distance. Maybe it goes with the gig of being who I am. But, I have always tried to have a few friends around me who I can be myself with.

This past weekend was good. My wife and I just got back from Coon Rapids MN for my cousin's wedding. It was really good to see family. When my family gets together, it's kind of like the Norwegian mob. I mean even the amount of cousins we are is amazing. It's fun, but crazy. See, with them, I can be myself. They know where I come from, who I was before all this pastor stuff, how dorky and geeky I was when I used to follw them around. See, they are becoming more and more important for me as I see the importance of being a family. They are the ones who offer their shoulder or ear to cry on or listen with. Lots of my cousins had heard what happened and they all said something to show they cared. That means alot. It feels good. So, getting out of Janesville was what I needed to do this weekend and it was a great time. Especially hanging with Nick, Chris, Roger and Jan. Congrats Doug and Suzanne. Hope you both make a good start in Fargo... Viva Les Bison! (Please do not ostracize me for that last comment...for I know one day, my son will piss everyone off in his family and go to a college no one wants him to go to...NDSU! Oh yeah, trust me.)

I am trying to remaim hopeful about what's next, but it's not something I excel at by any means. I need to make some phone calls this week, schedule some visits with the right folks, and do what I can to make the process happen. I do hope for a better place and better experience to cleanse my mouth...because right now I have had a bad taste lingering in it for about a month, and it needs to go NOW. More later...

Many of you know that I am obsessed with music. So, I thought I would enlighten you as to what I am currently listening to on the IPod and ITunes.

Dream Theater - "Score" This 3CD set is their final concert of their Octavarium world tour last April. The last half of the show, they played with an orchestra. Very Cool. Unlike other rock bands that played with orchestras and did not sound all that good (Kiss, Scorpions, Kansas), this orchestra is a nice touch. Check out the live versions of "Six Degrees Of Inner Turbulance," or "Octavarium" to see what I mean. I am also watching the accompanying DVD. Nicely shot and definitely worth the price to see the Dream Theater "Behind the Music" retrospective.

Cheap Trick - "Rockford" Very good CD. Defintitely worth going out and getting. Rocky and ballsy and reminiscent of old Trick. Back to the roots kind of album.

Slayer - "Christ Illusion" Now, I know what you're thinking. A pastor listening to Slayer? Yes. My roots in metal go back to these guys, along with any other band I was obsessed with in 1986. This latest offering from this speed metal four is amazing. If anything to listen to Dave Lombardo play drums is worth it. I find it very interesting their take on organized religion especially Christianity. This CD has me thinking about how I could work this into my bible study I want to develop on modern metal music and the religious images and messages it speaks about us and to the world. I wrote a paper on this in seminary and would definitely like to keep delving into this.

Marillion - "Marbles Live" Marillion is a band that I got into last year, although they have been around forever. These guys are definitely like Floyd in a way...very atmospheric and spacey rock. The music leaves room to breathe and it take on this very relaxing, yet emotional feeling. I like this band alot, especially Steve Hogath's voice and keyboard work. This is the live recording of their 2004 release "Marbles." I like the live version way better...more emotion and the vibe of a live concert just adds to the listenability of this CD. Fav song on this is "Neverland." Another great Marillion song is "Easter."

Some other random CD's I am listening to:

Threshold "Critical Energy"

Rush "R30"

Judas Priest "Turbo"

Yngwie Malmsteen "Trilogy"

Dave Matthews Band "Live Trax 5, Live from Rochester Hills MI"

Phish "Live Phish 20"

OSI "Free"

Dream Theater "Octavarium," "Scenes From A Memory"

Terry Reid "Seed Of Memory"

So, let me know my friends...What's playing in your CD player or IPod? Random CD's you have been listening to for some inner-strength or peace? Songs that bring you back to a time and place? That last question will definitely be a post here sometime... More later...

Hey all. Just got back from a much needed and well-deserved vacation to the North land. It was definitely needed this time around. Dropped my wife and son at one of the million lakes in MN, then went to Minot to be with the 'rents. Dad and I fished for three days straight. Where we go is beautiful and very picture-esque. Well, as much as it can be for that area of the country. Which if you are from ND, you can appreciate its beauty...trust me. We go to a place called Graino crossing which is about forty miles northwest of Minot...fairly close to the Canadian border. We shore fish using Norwegian Pike hooks, slip bobber rigs, and frozen smelt. Last Saturday through Monday, Dad and I caught 13 fish...but, see I outfished my Dad 11 to 2. 'Bout time I outfished him. The very first Pike I caught on Saturday morning was at 8:10 AM weighing almost ten pounds. Good fish. We actually ate him that night...after my expert grilling skills were utilized (anything tastes good when it's fried in butter right). Dad and I had some needed father/son bonding time. He and I talk about any and all things I guess. We did talk about the recent resigning episode in my life. He knows what that's like...as it also happened to him. It was good to get his advice and think about my next move. When Dad and I got back on Sunday night, my Mom mentioned that my G-Parents were on their way to Minot from Idaho. They have basically taken the whole month of August and travelled everywhere with their Hi-LO. So, on Tuesday they finally came. That same day, I drove to Penn, ND (actually I sat at the entrance to Penn and waited for my Mother-out-law to bring my wife and child to me from "Tater-town USA") and picked up my wife and child, we then drove back to Minot. Trust me...Highway 2 twice in one day bites. But, it was all worth it.

Wednesday night, Travis and Kari came over with their twins, Phil came up, my sis and her beau were there, along with the rest of us...we had a big 'ole picnic at my 'rents house. It was awesome. Thursday, my wife and I left Minot about 9-ish. Rainy and icky. It rained pretty much all day. It got really interesting in MN, when we were in front of one storm cell and right behind another. The one in front of us was dumping hail, and we knew that as we drove along the interstate and saw the build-up of white along the edge of the road. It was awful. I drove until I could not see anymore and until I was about ready to drop. That was about 9PM! We stayed at the Red Carpet Inn in Osseo WI. Now, the thriving town of Osseo is well, small. This particular place we stayed at, felt empty...I mean the front desk person wasn't really around all the time, the pool in the morning was locked after it should have been opened, the breakfast area was void of any people...we were the only ones there the whole time. It was strange. Anyway, we eventually made it home on Friday morning although, once again we took our time as another storm cell was over Madison as I was thrity miles north of it. So, we avoided that and came home. This was definitely a vacation to think about and be thankful for.

Tonight, Eric and I lead worship for the last time ever. I will playing my trusty Ibanez acoustic as E lends his voice to my harmonies. Should be a good worship time. Although...it is bittersweet. Sunday I preside for the last time as well. I am not really looking forward to this weekend. Not looking foward to seeing certain people and they know who they are. But, I am looking forward to saying goodbye to some awesome people. It will be very surreal...I am sure. But, something to look forward to. Sunday, my wife, son, and I are going to a travelling Thomas the Tank Engine show. They have a full size replica of Thomas that actually runs...so we will take a train ride, and have some fun with my son who is uh, hmmmmm, how can I say this, OBSESSED with Thomas! Can there be anything more awesome than seeing your child freak out when he sees the Thomas show for the one-billionth time? I don't think so. More later...

For those of you who regularly read my blog (all five of you), you may have noticed that I removed yeterday's blog from my archives. Now, I have reason for this. I do not want certain people who may still have some control over me and my family, to have any leverage to use what they can to hurt us more. That all said, I respect the publicity factor with this blog enough right now anyway, that I have to temper what I say and how it may come off. See, leaving a church is hard enough, but being asked to leave is worse yet. Feelings of frustration, betrayal, isolation, blame, all come into play when I think about what happened to me. So, rather than put all this down here at least for now, I will step back, and put other musings and ramblings here that I was writing pre-resignation. At least then, I was weird. Now, I feel that my oddity of sorts is dwindling. Oh, and for those of you who really want to know about all this, you know how to get a hold of me. Smoke signals still work of course. Oh yeah, and thanks to you three really cool people who left your comments on the blog...I appreciate your kind words. Thanks. Well, I am going to try and solve my IPod dilemma. More later...

Definitely in a serious blackened funk today. Not all that happy, or really motivated. And you know, the funny thing is, I have no friggin clue as to why. Got paid today, so that is always good, but the money seems to already know its destination, so ergo, I have no money. I am doing a wedding this weekend for a really great couple. The colleague gets back from Europe tomorrow, so that could be good. I am visiting the shut ins and older folks tomorrow all day. I like visiting them, at least when I feel like I want to. Not sure I could pull off the smiles and warmth today all that well though. Our good friends from Nashville are visiting us this weekend before they head to the BIG Berkeley, CA for seminary...crazy man is gonna be a rev!

You know as I sit here in this vacuous space of my office thinking, all I want right now, is just some definite direction as to where this thing called my life is going. Don't we all? I mean, I had a conversation with three good friends yesterday as we sat at the China Buffet and ate our gelatinous chicken, talking about career changes and how we all want to be doing something different. I could be doing ministry only in some other type of work. And then, the strangest thoughts came into my head. Like, me being that guy in Vegas that works at some little wedding chapel, getting paid fifty bucks a wedding, dressing like the tattooed, Harley riding badass that I am screaming inside to become. Is that so wrong? OR, I could be that guy who devotes his life to some "ascetic" pursuit of becoming a touring rock show drum technician whose goal is to have that one perfectly tuned drum kit during one show for the unknown drummer I work for, all while being the band's spiritual guy. See what I mean. My mind goes and pops all over the place. How do I wait for direction then? In the meantime, I will deposit my check, have a Chili-Cheese burrito from the Bell, and go home to trim the overgrown and horrifying hedges that meet and greet our guests who are convinced we live in the Addams family house. More later...

Can I share with you a rant and a mild musing for a moment? As I was avoiding the inevitable of actually getting ready for work this morning, I was watching the Today show. The word, "butt" caught my attention. They had a special segment on how women's butts are the "new boobs." Check out this terrific intelligent piece of journalism at http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/3032633/ Look for the "booty-licious" segment. Now, I am not all that sure that I can even comment and sound at least halfway intelligent with my reply to this absurdity. Butt, here is what I heard and saw. That as movie and music women who are well endowed in the rear region have gained notoriety and popularity over the years, many normal suburbanite women are feeling affirmed and are growing intensely approving of their growing behinds. The Today Show, showed J-Lo and Beyonce as their two prime examples of how these women are alright with what they have been given, or as Trace Atkins calls it, the "Badonkadonk." Let's face it...as Chris Rock once said, "J-Lo's butt is so big, they need two limos to take her anywhere...one for her body and the other for her behind." (He said it...not me!) How is it, that the newer bigger butt is in, and the smaller less fuller behind is uh, out. Who made this decision at all? Who actually had the time that they were paid for, to sit down and think this up? What genius sacrificed the need to figure out social justice issues for this load of academic wonder? I ask in jest, could Sir Mix-Alot be right in his likes and dislikes we heard so many years ago? Was he ahead of his time? If what society is saying right now is true, I tend to think so.

Here is the weird thing about this whole segment. Obviously, this segment was totally and unapologetically aimed at women viewers. Why? Because all the men I know, and are friends with, would never really think of their butts as the new penises. I mean it. How many men do you know that are petrified that their butts are not looking all that good, or at least not acceptable to society's standards of fashion? NONE! What straight man would even care? Do gay men care? Now, maybe they do, maybe they don't. I have not really had all that many gay male friends, but I am pretty sure those that I did have at one time, were more into their looks and the upkeep of them than I am with mine. Did they care about the appearance of their butts? Hmmm... However it all appears, men in general, simply do not care about the size, shape, girth, fullness, or appearance of their butts. It's just not our focus. If ladies like 'em, great. But we as men, are not about to make it acceptable for someone somewhere in a New York fashion mogul's office, to tell us the "standards" by which the male ass is to be affirmed or not, just as this is the case with the female counterpart.

Can we have some intelligent, more thought provoking segments in the morning, like how to build bigger and better miniature nuclear weapons out of randomly placed objects in the typical American garage, or how to actually gently and adequately remove the blood stain splatter from the previous night's hit off your favorite silk tie, or my favorite, how to switch communion wine with Jack Daniels without getting caught, so that everyone thinks the nice little lady on the altar guild who has been doing it since 1955, actually did it. Don't these sound more clever? Today Show...you just became lame, without even trying!!! I guess I will watch Fox news...at least they don't have segments on how the American female ass is now acceptable. They tell me what I don't want to know...they shovel it right to me, and give me a good whiff of it. I know what I am being dished. Shame on you Today Show for allowing such a useless and stupid observation be cast into the American woman's conscience. Thanks for giving them something else they can throw at us men as loaded questions. "Honey, does my butt look too thin for these jeans?" You suck Today Show...but even God loves you for being lame ;) More later...

I thought this was more than appropriate to put into the confines my my blog...since of course you all know that I love all things "Bush," including that fine workhorse of a man dedicated to "shoving the right wing, conservative, fundamentalist, ideological and most divisive DOVE...the man is Karl Rove. Honestly, would Jesus have voted for Bush with Rove being the button pusher that he is for so many of our churches today? I believe Jesus is silent for a reason... More later...