Have any of you ever felt disconnected with your job, career, calling, whatever it is that you happen to do for a living? Yeah, me too. I am in that kind of funk right now, where I am not all that sure I enjoy doing what I am doing, and part of me thinks that it might be the setting that I am actually doing my job that I am not diggin all that much. There are good things and bad things, great people and not so great people, good days and bad days like any other place I suppose. But, over the years here, I have come under fire from some just nasty awful people who are old, crotchety, and angry. I am not all that crazy about this group of folks...the handful of them who speak the loudest, and are the most gossipy. How my colleague and I are treated by this particular group of people, is dramatically different. We have the same credentials in a way, went to the same sem, but angry people seem to like him. I am not him by any means though when it comes to how we think about dynamics of congregational life. I am not sure that trying to maintain peace at all costs is actually worth it. I want to call people out when "wrong is wrong" and throw a party when people do what is right. I am not in this to be liked...never have been. I am not a butt kisser...too many pastors are like that. I want to be who I am. But, it has been a few people who have just ruined that ambition for me. Actually, it has made it to the point, where I have discovered something. I am not going to take it anymore. I refuse to be the whipping boy in front of my colleague. There is only so much crap one can take from so called Christians who say they love God, but destroy their neighbor with their words and actions. Gee, I believe that is covered in 1 John 4:20 (One of my favorite pieces of scripture). I was counseling a couple the other day. This guy in his 40's is dealing with some pretty heavy things in his life. One of which is having to worry about what everyone else thinks all while trying to gain their acceptance and approval by doing what they want him to do. I guess I have been like this somewhat in my life. But, I told this guy that usually when people are short, or mean, or angry with us because of the what they see our lives are like, the choices me make, or even our disposition, there is usually something in them that is the real problem. They see us, identify something in us they cannot stand, but the reality is, that we remind them based on who we are just what they hate about themselves. Often times, people deal with unhealthy issues by hating someone for theirs. It's a power thing, really. People in church abuse what they perceive as power, so much. In a business like church, people often use the leverage of money to get what they want. That has the makings of a toddler throwing a tantrum in Target because the mom won't buy him the latest flavor of Hubba Bubba gum...only the toddler are people who are angry about the church, the pastor, God...who knows? Church is sadly, very consumeristic. People get what they want all the time. And it carries over in the business of church. No wonder, why we have angry people who think that by going to the pastor's office to tell him, "You should find another job," it will satisfy their need to get what they want, or what they think they deserve. What an evil way to assume control. But, the devil works in people's ambition to be valued more than what they are worth. Some people just really believe that the world revolves around them, and take pleasure in demanding other people see that. Since most of my "fan club" is old and not all that happy about life in general, I have to realize that time will catch up to them. Death is inevitable. I am not promised tomorrow, but then again, neither are the old people who hate the younger associate pastor now are they? I love people...I really do. It has not always been like that (Ages 14 and !5...walking middle finger I was). But, I do love people. Letting them love me has been hard at times. When people send you anonymous letters and don't have the guts to actually sign their name...I really don't want to love people and really don't want people to love me. Someone once said to me, "Let Christ in you be the one who loves others." OK, I get that. But, I quote Father Francis John Mulchahy from MASH when I say, "Yes but, Jesus was an exceptional sport!" Maybe that's the only way to love anyone. So, I say all this knowing that I continue to be here. Only God knows why I continue to be here. He and I need to keep talking I guess. I feel better now that I have rambled. I will write more again about this thing called church and how many of us simply want to worship God without "people" getting in the way. Is that so wrong of me? More later...