I am not a very good linear thinker, nor am I generally a black and white category type who can sort out differences thinly and without much thought. But, there are certain pieces of me who is acutely aware that I need to plainly see the value of who I trust and who I do not. I guess this is where I am simple in my rationale. Let me explain. I generally think of the relationships I have with people in two categories: Life-Giving OR Life-Taking. Life-giving relationships are just as they sound. These are the people with whom trust is shared, love is unsaid, confidentiality is respected, mutual interests are celebrated, faith is in and among, laughter is a must, silence is sacred, forgiveness is honest, accountability is normal, guilt dies, conversation is cherished, and life is given by the other simply by their presence. Relationships like this are rare but very needed. This type of relationship I hold close to me, and I do not forget about it. Yes, there are moments when the hands of time creep up and separate that relationship due to distance, movement in life, or simply the day to day bog of scheduled difference.
But, I hold certain relationships closer to me than others, simply because I know that those are the friends that a walk through hell and back with each other is about love, trust, and respect. Many of my closest friends are those with whom I have had that hell and back journey and I am forever grateful for them and that time. They showed to me that they care. I would in an instant, do the same for them if their lives were on that path too. And then from there, are the friends that I talk to once in a while, who know me, know what I am about, know our history together, know what I love and passionate about, etc., but might be someone I have not talked to in years...for me, these are the friends that I had in high school or college, maybe even during a certain job or schooling. These are the friends who I know but, the commonality isn't maybe as strong as it once was and from time to time, I am saddened by that. I wish that I was closer to those friends.
Now, life-taking relationships are not really friends, nor are they relationships at all. I would say they are more like encounters. These are the people who are emotional leeches and want to, have tried to, continue to try to, and will always try to...suck the life out of me. These are the people who if they are going to relate to you or not, their decision to do so rests on if they like you, what can you show them so that they will invest their time into you. These for me, are mostly people I have gotten to know not in corporate world, hotel world, retail world, or seminary world. NO! It's the world of church. There are people who I worked with, who I played softball with, who I buried their relative, who I married their cousin, who I prayed with, who I cried with, who I no longer associate with, because I see them for what they are now that I have some time and distance from them. Life-taking people are not who I want to be around. Yes, ministry can do that at times, but when those people might be an inner-circle, or a circle of people who are meant to make things better and visionary, and they take the life out of the relationship I had with them, then I no longer want to be attached to anything having to do wit them or that venue they work in and so foolishly defend and protect.
What I am discovering about me, is that I need to take my power back from those who took it from me. And I do that by not letting them know that they have won...that they have the best parts of me. Because for me, the best parts of me are mine and only mine, and like a wife to be on her wedding night, I want to give myself away to the community that I love, and that relationship will be better for it. I am taking my power back from life-taking people because they no longer matter to me. The pain of hearing too many words, too many moments, too many hushed rumors, is not worth it anymore as it plays again, right into them, into their time and attention. So, I refuse to do that. I will reflect on it as I will always be public about my story and how I was screwed over, and how I tried to do what I could within an environment that wouldn't allow me to be fully me. But, my ties are severed from life taking people, and frankly, that's how I have always operated. I am not all that good at mercy, but I do believe in the power of redemption.
To be life-giving and not life-taking, all one needs to do is seek out some sense of forgiveness. Trust is not an option, but redemption is. Trust is already ruined, but redemption is possible by humbly realizing where the wrongs are, where the hurt is, how tender that all could still be, and how to apologize for all that. What I have come to know is that life-taking people are not generally wired for redemption, nor are they good at humility. Humility requires honesty. And being honest involves a willingness to learn how to name the shards of what I or they broke. That every little piece is a moment of disagreement, failure, lack of something, bloated ego, guilt, awkwardness, frailty, or emotional disconnect. This takes time, and maybe the relationships that are the most broken with the most shards in it, are the ones that are the most difficult to piece together. The smaller the shards, the harder and more time consuming it is to connect them to each other AND the more time it will take to connect to each other.
I love the relationships that I have that are life-giving. I want to keep them going. And yet, I want to kill the encounters that are life-taking. I want to exhume their theft of dis empowering me, and take back what is rightly mine. I am doing that through writing this. They can never know how beautiful a person I really am, can they? But then again, maybe they cannot see how beautiful they once were before they hardened their hearts into something ugly and unnameable. So, it's hard for me to see how beautiful a person they really are because their beauty is hidden by their ugly hardened hearts. I wonder if anyone can really see them for who they are. I suppose only God can, which raises the question, "Is God pleased with what He sees?" More later...
But, I hold certain relationships closer to me than others, simply because I know that those are the friends that a walk through hell and back with each other is about love, trust, and respect. Many of my closest friends are those with whom I have had that hell and back journey and I am forever grateful for them and that time. They showed to me that they care. I would in an instant, do the same for them if their lives were on that path too. And then from there, are the friends that I talk to once in a while, who know me, know what I am about, know our history together, know what I love and passionate about, etc., but might be someone I have not talked to in years...for me, these are the friends that I had in high school or college, maybe even during a certain job or schooling. These are the friends who I know but, the commonality isn't maybe as strong as it once was and from time to time, I am saddened by that. I wish that I was closer to those friends.
Now, life-taking relationships are not really friends, nor are they relationships at all. I would say they are more like encounters. These are the people who are emotional leeches and want to, have tried to, continue to try to, and will always try to...suck the life out of me. These are the people who if they are going to relate to you or not, their decision to do so rests on if they like you, what can you show them so that they will invest their time into you. These for me, are mostly people I have gotten to know not in corporate world, hotel world, retail world, or seminary world. NO! It's the world of church. There are people who I worked with, who I played softball with, who I buried their relative, who I married their cousin, who I prayed with, who I cried with, who I no longer associate with, because I see them for what they are now that I have some time and distance from them. Life-taking people are not who I want to be around. Yes, ministry can do that at times, but when those people might be an inner-circle, or a circle of people who are meant to make things better and visionary, and they take the life out of the relationship I had with them, then I no longer want to be attached to anything having to do wit them or that venue they work in and so foolishly defend and protect.
What I am discovering about me, is that I need to take my power back from those who took it from me. And I do that by not letting them know that they have won...that they have the best parts of me. Because for me, the best parts of me are mine and only mine, and like a wife to be on her wedding night, I want to give myself away to the community that I love, and that relationship will be better for it. I am taking my power back from life-taking people because they no longer matter to me. The pain of hearing too many words, too many moments, too many hushed rumors, is not worth it anymore as it plays again, right into them, into their time and attention. So, I refuse to do that. I will reflect on it as I will always be public about my story and how I was screwed over, and how I tried to do what I could within an environment that wouldn't allow me to be fully me. But, my ties are severed from life taking people, and frankly, that's how I have always operated. I am not all that good at mercy, but I do believe in the power of redemption.
To be life-giving and not life-taking, all one needs to do is seek out some sense of forgiveness. Trust is not an option, but redemption is. Trust is already ruined, but redemption is possible by humbly realizing where the wrongs are, where the hurt is, how tender that all could still be, and how to apologize for all that. What I have come to know is that life-taking people are not generally wired for redemption, nor are they good at humility. Humility requires honesty. And being honest involves a willingness to learn how to name the shards of what I or they broke. That every little piece is a moment of disagreement, failure, lack of something, bloated ego, guilt, awkwardness, frailty, or emotional disconnect. This takes time, and maybe the relationships that are the most broken with the most shards in it, are the ones that are the most difficult to piece together. The smaller the shards, the harder and more time consuming it is to connect them to each other AND the more time it will take to connect to each other.
I love the relationships that I have that are life-giving. I want to keep them going. And yet, I want to kill the encounters that are life-taking. I want to exhume their theft of dis empowering me, and take back what is rightly mine. I am doing that through writing this. They can never know how beautiful a person I really am, can they? But then again, maybe they cannot see how beautiful they once were before they hardened their hearts into something ugly and unnameable. So, it's hard for me to see how beautiful a person they really are because their beauty is hidden by their ugly hardened hearts. I wonder if anyone can really see them for who they are. I suppose only God can, which raises the question, "Is God pleased with what He sees?" More later...
2 comments:
Well said. I can only imagine the pain & betrayal you must feel. We have moved around a lot, and I have learned alot about friendships. I have always been someone who has never had a lot of friends (don't dispute this! I had MANY aquaintences, but very few friends!) And as I get older, I realize that if there isn't an initial "Click" its not worth my time. This may sound conceited or selfish, but I view it like this: Time, as an adult, is SO valuable, that it needs to be filled with people and things that, as you say it, are life giving. I don't have the energy or time to "work" at a friendship and play the games that sometimes go with it. The friendships I have now, are pretty much the same as 10 years ago, with the addition of a handful I have made over our moves and travels. These new friendships had a special something. Friendship should be a place of refuge, a safe place, and that is why I don't have time for the B.S! Not sure where I am going with this, but I can only imagine how painful it must be for you to share so many close moments with these people, in supposedly the fellowship of Christ, to only be turned on. My thoughts are with ya!
You are an amazing person. Unfortunately, some people could not see past the surface to see that person (not that there is anything wrong with your surface!!). I hope we can always have a life-giving relationship. You have been there for me when I needed you and you know I will always be there for you. I agree with Nan in that there is no time to put up with the BS. Thanks to you, I am learning that I am a stronger person than I thought I was. If you can move forward from this experience, then I can too. These people might have taken my physical place of worship, but they cannot take my faith in God or in healthy relationships.
Post a Comment