Why I Am Lutheran!!!

Why I am Lutheran? These are the most widely known reasons...

I am Lutheran because my faith is dependent upon me getting something out of church each and every time I come once a week, knowing that my ears will hear a message of grace and forgiveness so that I can somehow feel better about myself for another week. Oh, and I keep hearing about this Jesus and how I should make him the Lord of my life, but I am content to live life just knowing he died for me.

I am Lutheran because I do not really want to hear the fine tension between law and gospel, even though I know what those terms mean.

I am Lutheran because like the Israelites had Abraham as their father and they rode his coat-tails on that identity, so too do I ride on the fact that I am a member of a church, maybe for fifty years, and that one church IS MY church, so therefore I own that church, and I have controlling interest as to how my money is spent, who gets to sit where, who I call for my pastor, taking notice of all the dirty spots on the narthex carpeting, and don't even get me started about how I feel about how my church has drums, guitar, and piano in church....that is just not right!

I am Lutheran because the only instrument that is qualified to accompany any and all singing as a solo or a congregation, is of course the organ, preferably 5 or more consoles with multiple pipes for an added sense of grandeur!

I am Lutheran because my church does not expect anything from me, and I can therefore blend into the crowd as I come in and out if its life.

I am Lutheran because my church does not teach the bible at all...well, ok, the pastor teaches me on Sunday, but that's about all the bible I need to get me through.

I am Lutheran because I can belong to a church, become a member, come to worship once a year, commune once a year, give as much as five bucks, and still receive the church newsletter, vote at the annual meeting, expect my pastor to visit me in the hospital (even though I have not called the church or told anyone to call the church to let them know I am there) whenever I am there, know my family and my kids, know my occupation, know that I am a good person and that I do not struggle with anything, and that I would raise hell if the church asked me for any of my time.

I am Lutheran because my parents were Lutheran. Their parents were Lutheran. Their parents were Lutheran. Their parents were Lutheran even before they left Norway (Sweden for you heathen!).

I am Lutheran because I know what delicious food tastes like, smells like, and looks like. I can describe to you in great details what lutefisk is, what German potato salad is, and just how many carrot shavings are allowable in orange or green jello! I use my fine culinary skills for every funeral the church has, and am disappointed when the pastors do not complement me and my co-workers for our developed skills of offering the cheapest of ham sandwiches and the richest of hotdishes...including one with green beans!

I am Lutheran because I along with my cohorts, own every inch of the church's kitchen! I know how many forks, knives, coffee cups, saucers, trays, and Nescos are behind the cabinet doors. I can describe verbatim, the operating instructions for the Hobart dishwasher, although I am not willing to actually run it, because that would take away from my hosting duties! I of course, am also very offended when intruders decide to use the kitchen and leave anything out, ignoring its rightful place of existence. I am Lutheran because my kitchen is as sacred as the sanctuary itself!

I am Lutheran because I rely on other people to do the difficult work of actually serving the church. I do this because I do not have the time, I feel I am not all that competent to do whatever it is, and that I may have actually done my time in the past to serve the church. I choose now to willingly stand on the sidelines even though I along with my other Lutheran friends, have not decided to give up and let go of the reins so that the younger generations below us can do things maybe even better. I am Lutheran because I do not want to participate, but I love to control the church.

I am Lutheran because I feel I need communion once a week. And that communion needs to be at every service just in case I feel I need to come to the second service, because I overslept from last night's Lawrence Welk marathon. I need to receive communion on my knees up front around the altar, because it makes me seem more humble if I am seen that way. And don't even get me started about the whole intinction thing. Nothing but communion as a drive-through option!

I am Lutheran because I want my kids to come to confirmation when they feel like it. I will of course expect my pastor to understand that sports are what keeps my child happy, so as long as they want to do it, and they are good at it, my pastor needs to understand then why we cannot come to worship on Sunday or Saturday, because we are always out of town for games, meets, tournaments, matches, semi-finals, or finals! And I expect my pastor to compromise his expectations for my child because we are a church of grace...doesn't everyone get confirmed? I also need my pastor to understand that my child needs to leave early on Wednesdays before confirmation gets done because he/she needs to go to practice. And I do not think it's right that my child do sermon notes, worship participation things like acolyting, ushering, etc., and that my child should be allowed to not come to Sunday School...I mean, come on, that was over after their third grade year!!! I am Lutheran because I want my child to be confirmed even though I have no intention to fulfill the promises I made on behalf of my child the day he/she was baptized!

I am Lutheran because I was baptized Lutheran, went to Lutheran sunday school, went to Lutheran confirmation, left church after confirmation, went to a Lutheran college, came back to the Lutheran church to be married there, had my kids baptized Lutheran, they did all the things I did when I was their age in the Lutheran church, and of course, I will have my funeral in a Lutheran church. I mean isn't that the point of life anyway...to make to heaven because I was such a good Lutheran...er, person?

I am Lutheran because that's all I know, all I have ever known, and all I ever will know!

More later...