I am officially recovering from the Christmas insanity that occurred at church. Unlike last year, where the Sunday of Christmas eve, we also had two worship services in the morning, this year was a bit better. I got to preach this year at the 3 and 5, which was very cool. I did a first-person sermon through the eyes of a sheep, sitting on the outskirts of Bethlehem Christmas night. It actually worked really well. I was a bit spent though, after 3, and so the 5 sermon was still there, but not as catchy or maybe as humorous as the 3 was. But, it was still fun to do. Then, at the 10, my colleague and I offered a few reflections on why God is with us. That was very cool. That service just has a different tone. Very quiet, reflective, very soft. Yet, we were quite honest about living this life as God is with us, and that message is not always meant to be soft and fluffy. It was real, and honest.
Between the 5 and 10, I went home, scarfed down some lasagna and salad, with the cheesy bread, talked to our good friend Deb who was there, having come to the 3 worship. We opened gifts, and then I crashed. It was hard to get back up, put the church clothes back on, and do it all over. I just was about empty. You know, I was having this conversation with my colleague. His daughter asked him the other day, "Aren't you excited for Christmas?" To which he said, "Yeah, I guess." To which she said, "Why aren't you really excited?" "Well, it's difficult for me as a pastor to be excited about Christmas. See, it's our job as pastors to help others have an enjoyable, worshipful Christmas, and that can take a lot of you. It's difficult to enjoy it when you lead worship multiple times. It can be tiring." He said this to me, and it made sense. I am tired every year I go through this. Not like a "drowsy, hey I had one too many cocktails last night" kind of tired. But this is more like a "I am finally done with all of my college finals...time to crash" kind of tired! So, I spent most of yesterday just being a zombie. I am finally feeling alright today. I just cannot believe that Christmas as we know it, is over. Christmas just came very fast this year for some reason. I guess this fall has not been slow at all. Considering all the major life events this fall that have surrounded me, I can see why I have not been all that attentive to calendar nor have I wanted to. I found myself during worship this year, just sort of numb to the fact that I was there, leading worship along with my colleague, and I wasn't really feeling it. I have felt like I was giving God praise leading worship on other Christmas eves, but this year, I just did completely feel it. Does that make me a terrible pastor?
You know, it's different with this life...this job, this calling. Very few of us appreciate what it's really like, and those who are on the outside of what a pastor's life is really like, has no clue as to how it can really affect a person, their family, and their spirit. I am not saying that I can't stand what I do or that I am pitying myself. In fact, I love what I do. But, I wish that the entire church could stand in the pulpit, look out at four hundred faces, and be able to give a Christmas message from the heart, even though inside, that need to worship as well, is not being met. I feel the same way when Easter gets here too. I just want to worship, but it's not always fully possible when you are called to lead others into it with your heart, your attention, and your time. I asked a pastor friend of mine the other day, "Do you think people really appreciate what we're doing?" And he said, "Yeah most people do I think. But, there are always going to be those who will take us for granted. We give them what they expect, and that's what they want." I think of my friend who is a Roman Catholic priest who has such a good humor about his calling, and yet he is very realistic about how the church is in competition for people's time.
Anyway, this Christmas has been strange among all the others I have been privileged to lead worship for. Maybe this year has been strange. I just know that part of this gig as being pastor, is that I get to do things, see things, be a part of people's lives like nobody else. I see the darkness and the brightness of the human heart constantly. I get to be with people in the most horrible gut wrenching moments of loss, and I get to be with people in the most joyful, outpouring of tears moments of celebration. Then, I get to live in between those moments. Alot of good ministry is done in those moments. It's those moments of one on one prayers with a 95 year old, doing a rap with the third grade girls at the Christmas play, or giving communion to someone who has hours to live...those are the moments that nobody else experiences as I do. That's the richness of living this life acknowledging the spiritual and the temporal right in the front of me, in front of others. That's the beauty of living in the interlocking of God's kingdom with this one we call here and now. I get to be a part of how the kingdom looks like here. I get to help people bring the kingdom of God here so that it looks more like who God is and not who we are. I guess I forgot about all that this Christmas. Maybe for me, I know that the best parts of me and what I give to worship come not just on that one night, but the rest of the year. I worship with those people, in those moments, that I don't need a pulpit to lead from, or four hundred other faces to see. I worship God mostly...just Him and me. That's the most rewarding because it's honest. I cannot fake it when it's God and me, alone. God sees my heart. He knows what I am offering. Maybe that's why I am tired this Christmas. Because I offered all I had. How do I get that energy back to recharge my Spirit? I have the first two seasons of CSI: Miami to keep me occupied! Is there anyone cooler than David Caruso? More later...
Between the 5 and 10, I went home, scarfed down some lasagna and salad, with the cheesy bread, talked to our good friend Deb who was there, having come to the 3 worship. We opened gifts, and then I crashed. It was hard to get back up, put the church clothes back on, and do it all over. I just was about empty. You know, I was having this conversation with my colleague. His daughter asked him the other day, "Aren't you excited for Christmas?" To which he said, "Yeah, I guess." To which she said, "Why aren't you really excited?" "Well, it's difficult for me as a pastor to be excited about Christmas. See, it's our job as pastors to help others have an enjoyable, worshipful Christmas, and that can take a lot of you. It's difficult to enjoy it when you lead worship multiple times. It can be tiring." He said this to me, and it made sense. I am tired every year I go through this. Not like a "drowsy, hey I had one too many cocktails last night" kind of tired. But this is more like a "I am finally done with all of my college finals...time to crash" kind of tired! So, I spent most of yesterday just being a zombie. I am finally feeling alright today. I just cannot believe that Christmas as we know it, is over. Christmas just came very fast this year for some reason. I guess this fall has not been slow at all. Considering all the major life events this fall that have surrounded me, I can see why I have not been all that attentive to calendar nor have I wanted to. I found myself during worship this year, just sort of numb to the fact that I was there, leading worship along with my colleague, and I wasn't really feeling it. I have felt like I was giving God praise leading worship on other Christmas eves, but this year, I just did completely feel it. Does that make me a terrible pastor?
You know, it's different with this life...this job, this calling. Very few of us appreciate what it's really like, and those who are on the outside of what a pastor's life is really like, has no clue as to how it can really affect a person, their family, and their spirit. I am not saying that I can't stand what I do or that I am pitying myself. In fact, I love what I do. But, I wish that the entire church could stand in the pulpit, look out at four hundred faces, and be able to give a Christmas message from the heart, even though inside, that need to worship as well, is not being met. I feel the same way when Easter gets here too. I just want to worship, but it's not always fully possible when you are called to lead others into it with your heart, your attention, and your time. I asked a pastor friend of mine the other day, "Do you think people really appreciate what we're doing?" And he said, "Yeah most people do I think. But, there are always going to be those who will take us for granted. We give them what they expect, and that's what they want." I think of my friend who is a Roman Catholic priest who has such a good humor about his calling, and yet he is very realistic about how the church is in competition for people's time.
Anyway, this Christmas has been strange among all the others I have been privileged to lead worship for. Maybe this year has been strange. I just know that part of this gig as being pastor, is that I get to do things, see things, be a part of people's lives like nobody else. I see the darkness and the brightness of the human heart constantly. I get to be with people in the most horrible gut wrenching moments of loss, and I get to be with people in the most joyful, outpouring of tears moments of celebration. Then, I get to live in between those moments. Alot of good ministry is done in those moments. It's those moments of one on one prayers with a 95 year old, doing a rap with the third grade girls at the Christmas play, or giving communion to someone who has hours to live...those are the moments that nobody else experiences as I do. That's the richness of living this life acknowledging the spiritual and the temporal right in the front of me, in front of others. That's the beauty of living in the interlocking of God's kingdom with this one we call here and now. I get to be a part of how the kingdom looks like here. I get to help people bring the kingdom of God here so that it looks more like who God is and not who we are. I guess I forgot about all that this Christmas. Maybe for me, I know that the best parts of me and what I give to worship come not just on that one night, but the rest of the year. I worship with those people, in those moments, that I don't need a pulpit to lead from, or four hundred other faces to see. I worship God mostly...just Him and me. That's the most rewarding because it's honest. I cannot fake it when it's God and me, alone. God sees my heart. He knows what I am offering. Maybe that's why I am tired this Christmas. Because I offered all I had. How do I get that energy back to recharge my Spirit? I have the first two seasons of CSI: Miami to keep me occupied! Is there anyone cooler than David Caruso? More later...
3 comments:
Yes. Gary Sinise--CSI: New York, of course.
K
My Brother has this quote... something about doing the right thing when no one is looking is what integrity is... your post made me think of this.. doing those in between pastoral duties, when you are not being watched by 400 eyes, and enjoying them, and feeling close to God doing them, IS what makes you a wonderful pastor. It is about what happens in those quiet times that mean so much to so many...I hope this makes sense to you.. I guess I am trying to say that I respect you SO much because you find Christ in these quiet, no audience experiences....
I like William Petersen from CSI the original too.
To me there is something sad about Christmas worship. The church was full of more people than I've ever seen there since I started going back in July. There was barely room to sit down, but the sad part for me is that I think we should celebrate Jesus every day, not just once or twice a year when we remember his birth and his resurrection. Don't get me wrong, those are great. But it reminds me in some ways of food drives. People give so much food around Thanksgiving, but it's not the only time of year that people are starving.
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